I'm going to write about something that I have never blogged about before-something I've been too afraid to blog about-something I didn't know how to blog about, my mom. It's been a little over 3 years since she died, and I never wanted to publicly write about her or talk about her with anyone that wasn't really close to me. It seemed too personal, and it just felt like since no one besides those closest to me would understand, it was pointless. Plus, I didn't want people to just feel sorry for me. I'm a strong person, and I wanted to just be ME-not seen as the girl who has been through a lot because her mom died tragically before her time.
In addition to that, it seemed like talking about her in the open would take away the special closeness that we shared. That somehow if I kept our memories and secrets inside, they would stay sacred forever. Then I thought about today, what would have been her 48th birthday, and it doesn't seem fair that the day could just go by unnoticed, undeclared. I thought about other people I know that have had parents or someone close to them die before their time, and I thought about how reading about how other people dealt with their trials has helped me in my grieving process. And I thought... maybe I could help someone too. Maybe if I am open enough to talk publicly about what happened to me and my family, maybe someone will be touched and take one step closer to healing. And then maybe that person can share their story and help someone else.
It's weird that time just stops for her, and that she doesn't get to continue on life's journey anymore. I've shed many tears wishing that she could have been there on my wedding day, that she could have seen Erik graduate from high school, know that 3 of her kids so far have gone off to college, and know that her youngest child is loving high school. I'm sad knowing that she will never hold her first grandchild, or know how much I love my husband. I wish I could thank her today for teaching me about how to be a woman, and tell her that so much of the way I live my every day life is because of her.
At the same time, I'm thankful that I knew her for 20 full years, and that she did know Scott. Scott and I had a crush on each other in the 8th grade, so he used to come over and hang out after school sometimes. We were dating when she passed in February of 06', and she had told her best friend a few months before that she had thought he was "the one." It's these little things that I'm thankful for. While she will miss out on so many good things to come in life, I'm thankful for what she did get to be a part of, and that she did have 45 years of life on Earth. And if she can't see what's going on on Earth now, then I'll just have to take eternity to fill her in on everything some day.
Happy birthday, Mom.
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