Sex #3 - Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!

Scott and I have about a million friends that got married in the past five years.  And throughout this time frame, I've had numerous conversations with newly married girlfriends about sex.  One thing I'm learning is that sex is an art form.  It's something that gets better and better the more it is talked about, and the more it is practiced.  Considering that sex is so vital to a healthy marriage, I am not understanding why it is not talked about more in church.  The rest of the world seems to have no problem talking about it!  It's something that many Christians get embarrassed to talk about, or feel private shame about, and I'm just not getting it.  God created sex between a married man and woman not just so we could produce offspring people...  he wants us to be divinely and intimately connected to our spouse!

The first post I wrote about sex had to do with changing the way we look at sex in the marriage relationship.

The second post was regarding God's purpose for sex in marriage.

This post is going to be about communicating with your spouse regarding your sexual relationship.

Even if you have a good sex life now, you can always improve, and one of the ways to do this, is to have regular conversations about how things can improve.  You may be shy to talk about sex with other people, but you at least need to feel comfortable talking to your spouse about everything.  We have numerous couples that come into our counseling office at work with sexual issues, and it made me realize that having good sex has nothing to do with how old a person is or how many years a person has been married, and everything to do with practice and communication.

So where do you start?  I think it helps to start by having regular conversations about sex where you sit down with your spouse and literally have no other item on the agenda but to talk about your sexual relationship.  Ask specific questions.  Let your partner know where you are at.  Talk with your spouse about what areas of your sexual relationship can be improved.  What are some new things you'd like to try?  Have you ever thought about ___________?  This type of conversation may sound weird to you, but sex is such an important aspect of a marriage that has huge potential for damage if left unfilled... why wouldn't you make a conscious effort to have better sex?  Regularly talking and being open is key.

Here are some practical examples of conversation starters:

"I'm happy with ________, but I'd really like it if we could do more of ___________ ."

"What do you need from me, and what would you like to try?"

"I am sensitive or insecure about __________."

"When you ___________, I'm insecure about ____________."

By being honest about what you would like more of or what you are insecure about, your partner can help you and your sexual relationship can move forward.  If you confess your insecurities, that leaves room for your partner to affirm and support you and maybe even say something like,

"I never knew you felt that way, and I'm so glad you told me that because I love that about you."

OR

"I'm so glad you told me that you're insecure about that because that doesn't bother me at all."

Simply asking these kinds of questions helps to open the door of communication.

As previously stated, no matter how good your sex life is now, it can probably still improve!  It's important to not let yourself get into the same patterns, and to not get complacent.  Make it a point to have regular conversations with your spouse about sex, and improve an aspect of your marriage that will greatly increase your intimacy and love for your spouse in a different dimension.

SEX! Post # 2

The first post I wrote about sex had to do with changing the way we look at sex in the marriage relationship. This post has to do with numerous discussions I've had about sex with married Christian women in the past few years. I'm feeling like there is a disconnect between what God wants for sex in marriage, and what is actually happening in the bedroom. For whatever reason, it seems to me that many Christian women are having trouble differentiating between what Godly women are supposed to be, and how to be sensuous with their husbands.

I'm reading a book right now called Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus that I would recommend to any Christian bride who is looking for answers about sex from a Godly perspective. I would like to share some of the verses that this book has brought to my attention in regards to how God views sex.

God gave us the gift of sex for the following reasons:

1) To create life

2) For intimate oneness

4) For pleasure

5) As a defense against temptation

6) For comfort

In a little more detail.....

God Gave us Sex so We Can Create Life
God created Adam from the dust of the Earth, and then created Eve from Adam's rib. He could have continued to create man and woman in this same way, but he chose not to. In Genesis 1:28, God makes the command to "be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth." In other words, God could have created the people of this world in a million different ways, but instead, he gave us the gift of sex as a way of creating a child. And I doubt God had to explain to Adam and Eve how to create a child together. Our creative and amazing God crafted our bodies perfectly to fit together in a unique way. I sure wish I could have a cup of coffee with Eve today so she could describe to me her amazement of what her and Adam discovered together!

God Gave us Sex for Intimate Oneness
Genesis 2:24 says that "A man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." This is truly a beautiful thought. Instead of being separate beings, God wants us to be so woven, bonded, and intimately connected with our spouse, that we would be seen by God as one rather than two.

God Gave us Sex for Pleasure
Pleasure is a dimension of sex that God talks about quite a bit. In fact, anyone who has read the Song of Solomon knows that God devoted an entire book of the Bible to sexual pleasure in marriage! Other passages speak about sexual pleasure as well. Proverbs 5:15, 18-19 says, "Drink from your own well, my son--be faithful and true to your wife. ... Let your manhood be a blessing; rejoice in the wife of your youth. Let her charms and tender embrace satisfy you. Let her love alone fill you with delight." There is a beautiful parallel drawn here between quenching thirst by cool, fresh water, and a couple's sexual thirst and desire for one another. From the perspective of Linda Dillow, this verse is saying to let a sexual embrace with your husband or wife intoxicate you continually with delight and to fully enjoy the ecstasy of love. Enjoy your spouse. Give to him, receive from him, and delight yourself in the erotic feelings of sexual love.

God Gave us Sex as a Defense Against Temptation
Sex can be a powerful weapon used for good or evil. To make sure that it is used for good, God gave us boundaries to prevent us from the harm that sex can cause. Sexual lust is obviously a big problem in our world today. Proverbs 5 warns about sexual lust: "Drink water from your own cistern, and fresh water from your own well" (verse 15). It then references the wife in regards to helping defer against sexual temptation.

¹⁸ May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
¹⁹ A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

The following passage also makes it clear that sex in marriage can be used as a deterrent to sexual temptation.

1 Corinthians 7: 2,5
"But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband... Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

God Gave us Sex for Comfort

In 2 Samuel 12:24, after David and Bathsheba's son had died, the Bible says that "David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in to her and lay with her. So she bore a son, and he called his name Solomon." Sometimes, the most effective comfort and encouragement we can give to our spouses is loving them sexually. During hard times, we can help our spouses to relax and release unwanted tension. I've heard numerous stories about sex being used for comfort, but one stands out in my mind. I have a friend who went through depression a number of years ago. She was distant from most everyone, and had trouble experiencing the fullness of life. During this time, the best way for the husband to comfort his wife was through sex. In this way, he was able to love her on a different level. Sometimes words aren't enough. Being able to comfort your husband or wife through sex can be one of the most healing and enriching forms of love.

Even if the world has desecrated God's perfect gift of sex, we can still use it for good in a powerful way. God wants us to be naked with our spouse and to not be ashamed. He wants us to embrace what He created in the right way. God desires us to give and receive exquisite pleasure, and to rejoice in the intimate connectedness that sex can bring. So make it a point to love your spouse on a different level. Try viewing sex from God's perspective instead of what the world is telling you. Sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed... so use it in the way that He created it to be; as a way of drawing you closer to your spouse in intimate oneness, for pleasure and comfort, and as a defense against sexual lust and temptation.

SEX!

Yes... it's true. I'm writing about one of my favorite subjects ever, S-E-X. Don't worry, Scott. I'll try to keep the personal examples at bay.  And just so you all don't think I'm disrespectful to my husband, he did okay this before I posted it. ;-)  I also would like to add that I am writing about sex in regards to a married relationship between a man and a woman from a Christian perspective, and not to read any further if talking openly about sex offends you. 

The reason I am writing this is two-fold:

#1) I am realizing more and more the importance of sex in the marriage relationship.

AND

#2) I think that many could benefit by changing their viewpoints on this topic.

Having sex with your spouse is one of the best things you can do for your relationship, as sex can increase your intimacy in a way that nothing else can. I would also be as bold to say that the absence of sex or an unhealthy sexual relationship with your spouse will cause your intimacy levels to plummet drastically.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that if couples are frequently arguing or not getting along, it is going to affect the sexual relationship, which is going to push the couple even further apart. Likewise, I would also argue that a marriage relationship is drastically improved by having more better quality sex. Does this mean that great sex is all that a married couple needs to have a great relationship? Absolutely, not. However,  I would definitely argue that a satisfactory sexual relationship is a huge component in a happy and satisfying marriage.

So how do you have more, better sex? The way we think about sex has to do with a lot of things: our family backgrounds, the way we were raised, our culture, positive/negative personal experiences, etc. Regardless of an individual's background, there is a unifying theme. We are all sexual beings who have an innate desire to love and be loved. No matter what your background or hormone levels are, God designed sex as a gift within marriage as He knows that used in the right ways, it can create indestructible bonds between a man and a wife. We have been given a powerful tool, and we should take full advantage.

The way you think about sex has a huge impact on your relationship. Try viewing it as more of a "necessity" in your marriage just like taking the time to go on dates and have fun together as opposed to something you just "do" when the mood strikes (which for some could be not very often!)  Now, I'm not saying that if you're super full from dinner and have an intense migraine that you should just snap out of it. What I am saying, is that maybe sometimes you could give a little for the sake of bonding and intimacy, even if you don't initially feel like it.  Every married couple could benefit from having more good quality sex. Quality and quantity.

One last thing. God is a crazy genius who designed men and women very differently on purpose and in order to have more good quality sex, there are a couple of things to keep in mind. Now I'm speaking in generalities here, but:

MEN:
A large majority of men can shut off their brains and have sex with their wife anytime without giving it much thought. They just need it, want it, and there's not a lot more to it then that. Men feel more intimate and loving towards their spouse when they are fulfilled sexually.

WOMEN:
A little more complicated. Women need to feel loved and intimate with their spouse before even wanting to have sex. They need to have their heart and soul touched and want to feel connected to their husbands before even wanting to go there.

Do you see the complexity in this? How perfectly men and women fit together in God's design when it's done right? This causes men to have to be more loving and affectionate towards their wives in order to allow their wives to let go emotionally, which lets them connect sexually, which makes men feel more invigorated and fulfilled, which allows husbands and wives to be lovingly connected and intimate in an amazing way. You can also see how easily this spiral could go horribly wrong.

Now how does that affect you?  If you are a man, it means romancing your wife more.  It means buying her that $10 rose bouquet even if you think it's a waste of money.  It means telling her how beautiful she is, or how much you love her even if you think she already knows.  If you are a woman, it means being open to your husband and respecting him for who he is as a man.  It means making him feel like a man in any way you can and doing your best to appreciate him.  It means thanking him for everything he does - big things and small things.  It means making him feel that he is the king of your universe.  In treating your spouse in some of these healthy loving ways and doing the best you can to truly LOVE them, you will be more likely to experience the pattern as referenced above leading to higher quality sex more often.

No matter what your viewpoints are on this topic, there's one thing that I'm sure about: we don't talk about sex enough in a healthy way.  Satan uses it as a weapon to tear marriages apart.  Let's use it as a weapon to strengthen our marriages instead.  If you are struggling in this area, don't take it lightly.  Go see a marriage counselor or sex therapist.  At the every least, don't be afraid to be open about your issues and talk to a trusted friend or buy some Christian reading material on increasing your sexual intimacy.  Bottom line:  Sex is a big deal.  So let's be real about it.

Anniversary Weekend

We spent our 1 year anniversary weekend in Sedona in a cute little cottage at the Briar Patch Inn. It is a Bed and Breakfast right on Oak Creek where you get your own little cottage all to yourself! It was the perfect spot to celebrate our first year together. Here are some pictures taken around our cottage.

The cottage had a cozy wood burning fire place and they provided us with fresh cut wood every morning. The breakfasts were delicious as well!
On Saturday, we spent most of the day exploring, relaxing, and reading by the fire. We took a 6 mile hike on Sunday to explore The Call of the Canyon, a famous hike in Sedona. It is popular for a good reason!! It was one of the most beautiful hikes I have ever been on and we tremendously enjoyed the cool weather and beauty of the forest.
It was a wonderful weekend and we look forward to going back soon. We heart Sedona!

One Year Anniversary

Today we celebrate the genesis of our family. After one year, we want to look back on our Top Ten Favorite Moments of our marriage from the first year:

In no particular order...
1) The week-long escape into paradise for our Caribbean honeymoon cruise
2) Not having to "go home" at the end of the day
3) Decorating our home with Christmas decorations, followed by our first Christmas morning
4) Getting Sadie, the first addition to our new family
5) Trips to Sedona (especially our first weekend mini-moon), Prescott, Flagstaff, and all the other places we went to to get away
6) Finding a new church, another new group of friends, a place we can both get involved together and finally "joining the club" of our young married's group at church
7) Getting to be together and hang out with your best friend every day
8) Shopping for our first house
9) Camping trips where we didn't have to sleep in separate tents
10) Well... You know... ;)

Thanks to all of our closest friends and family members for supporting and loving us through our first year! We love all of you and are so grateful to have you in our life.

-Scott and Brianne