My.Mom.Died.

With my baby girl coming, I've been thinking a lot about my mom.  Her first grandchild is about to enter this world, and she isn't here.  My mom.  Isn't. Here.  It hurts.  It hurts that my own mother won't be here to experience the joys of childbirth with me.  She was a strong woman, giving birth to all 4 of us naturally, and I know she would be right by my side cheering me on throughout my entire pregnancy and labor.  She would be helping me decorate the nursery, taking me maternity clothes shopping, and making sure I'm taking care of myself.   

My mom would have loved this sweet baby girl so much. That being said, I've been doing some thinking, and I've been doing some grieving.  It's important for me to process as much as I can regarding my mom's death before baby comes so I can be fully present for her. I've been thinking about this post for awhile.... what I would write, why I would write it, who would read it, the purpose of even blogging about it.  

Talking about the night of her death is a first for me.  Because of her unusual death, it's sad to tell what happened because in some ways, it leaves a negative image of who she was and she shouldn't be defined by that.  Her last few years of life were filled with so much sorrow and pain, and that's just not the whole picture.
 

Leading up to the night of her death, my mom had been battling a drinking problem.  She had been trying to quit for 4-5 years, been to countless detox centers, in and out-patient rehabs, therapy, AA, you name it, she'd tried it.  I knew it was only a matter of time before something horrible happened as she had had several dangerous incidents previously because of her drinking.

But here's the whole picture.  My entire life with the exception of her last few years on Earth were filled with happy memories.  I had a wonderful childhood filled with love and true joy.  I feel like my parents did a wonderful job of raising me, and my mom was like a ray of sunshine to everyone she came into contact with.  She was driven, loving, enthusiastic, fun, spontaneous, motivated, and radiated charisma.  She touched the lives of many with her magnetic personality.  Her advice was gold, and she loved to help people in any way she could.  To me, she was super-mom.  She was the PTA-volunteer-van driving-soccer-mom who made nutritious dinners every night and still had time to sew us clothes, take us to the zoo, decorate our home beautifully, and love us with the kind of love that only a mother can.

The drinking was a slow progression over 7-8 years, but looking back now it seems to have come out of nowhere.  How could such a horrible alcohol problem control my strong-willed hero?  The drinking began to get out of control when we left our old church fourteen years ago.  My parents had some disagreements with the doctrine of what this church believed and decided to leave.  Her identity was so wrapped up in this church/religion and what other people thought of her that when relationships with family and friends from this church became strained, she slowly began to lose her identity.  She was haunted by a pain that I can't understand, and suffered silently from guilt and shame not feeling that she was worth anything or that her life mattered.   She had such a strong personality and was capable of so much.  I thought she could do anything she set her mind to.  But something stood in her way.   

She slowly became destroyed from the inside out as she couldn't control her drinking.  This led to more guilt and shame as she felt she was a horrible person and couldn't forgive herself.  It was a vicious cycle as her life fell apart with each drink she took.  Something held her back from complete surrender to God, and she tried too hard to take everything into her own hands. That being said, this is what happened the night of her death.  

It was around 7:30 pm on Feb 24th, 2006.  I was 20 years old.  Living in Orange, CA at the time, I was home in Phoenix for the weekend to celebrate a late Valentine's date with my long-distance boyfriend (now husband), Scott.  We took a few blankets out to the park next to a lake, lit some candles, and brought all our favorite delicacies to snack on. It was a beautiful night.  We snuggled under the stars talking about life, love, and everything in between.  

A few hours later, we walked hand in hand back to the car.  I looked at my phone and had 4 missed calls from my dad and a few messages telling me I needed to come home right away.  My heart sank.  My stomach lurched.  Somehow, I knew.

When Scott and I walked through the door, my dad was sitting on the couch with my sister.  There was so much pain in that moment that I can hardly remember what happened.  My dad told me that my mom had gone to a hotel room with a friend.  They had both been kicked out of a halfway house and didn't have anywhere to go that night.  They decided to buy some booze, and drinking away their sorrows, they had both passed out.  When my mom's friend woke up, she went over to my mom and noticed she wasn't breathing.   

She frantically called an ambulance, but it was too late.   My mom was gone.

A few weeks later an autopsy officially declared the cause of death.  Acute.Alcohol.Intoxication.  She had drank so much, she had poisoned herself to the point of death.  With so much alcohol in her system, she had blacked out and never woke up.  

I felt dizzy, my body heavy and weak.  I was numb to reality.  Time froze.  I did not care.  Visitors came.  Visitors left.  People brought food.  Days passed.  I sat on the couch in a dazed state unable to move.  I ate.  I slept.  I wept.  I tried hard to be present in my own life.

The funeral was filled with hundreds of people from our old church, from our new church, her work, and numerous people from rehabs and friends from AA that she had touched.  I was in a dream, and wanted to disappear.  This was not my life.  I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone.  How was I supposed to face my own life? 
  
It has now been 5 years.  I was engaged 9 months after my mom's death, and married a year later.  I now have a husband, a house, 2 golden retrievers, an amazing church, incredibly supportive, loving friends and family, and a baby girl on the way.  

But.

Sometimes, I still miss my mom.  I will always miss my mom.  She was my mom... and her life has a whole different meaning to me now.  Now I know what it feels like to carry a life inside of me.  Now I know a little bit of what she felt when she carried me for those 9 months in her womb.  Now I have a whole new appreciation for how much she loved me.

At the same time, there's a part of me that's frustrated with her.  She did this to herself.  And now she won't get to experience the joys of being a grandparent because she made a lot of stupid choices.  That being said, I don't want to hold on to anger, resentment, and the thoughts of "what could have been."

I want to remember the good times, and leave the bad.  And since I can't ask her questions about what it was like to get pregnant and give birth to me, I like to think about what it means to me now to become a mother.  I was her first-born, and I'm about to give birth to my first-born.

I bet she loved feeling my kicks inside of her, and watching me move in her stomach.  I bet she dreamed of what I would look like, my wedding day, and what I would grow up to be like.  She used to tell me that the day I came into this world was one of the most joy filled, exciting, happy moments of her life.  And now I can catch a glimpse of what that is going to feel like, because I for one feel like I cannot wait one more second to hold my baby girl in my arms!

More than anything in this world, I want to be real.  Real about my journey, real about who I am, real about where I come from.  Real about the fact that there are people out there that struggle with alcoholism and drug addiction that are truly amazing people, and real about the fact that you can't judge a book by it's cover. Up until the last years of her life, Kathleen Marie Johnson was an amazing mom, wife, auntie, and friend.  I wish Kaelyn could meet her the way she was when she was healthy, but I guess my baby girl will have to just wait until we get to heaven.

Mother's Day: A New Mom's Search for Meaning Through Pain

Ever since my mom passed away in 2006, Mother's Day has been a tough day for me.  Hearing everyone talk about how wonderful their moms are and how much they love them is just a painful reminder that my mom isn't here anymore.

BUT.

Now I have a new reason to celebrate this day, and I could not be more ecstatic about it.  I now get to experience Mother's Day in a new way.  I have wanted to be a mom for soooooooooooooooo long, and now it is finally happening.  Motherhood is such a gift, and I feel so blessed to have the privilege of having this beautiful child growing inside of me.  Being a mom will give this day new meaning, and from this day forward, I don't have to dread it anymore.  Life has now come around full circle.  Where there has been death, there is now new life.  I am constantly reminded of the lyrics from Matt Redman's "Blessed Be Your Name," referring to the reality of human suffering and praising God through the pain.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be your name

For all of you out there who have lost your mom and struggle with Mother's Day, I am reminded of these words from 1 Thessalonians 4:16-18:

"For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.  After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air.  And so we will be with the Lord forever.  Therefore, encourage one another with these words."

Can't wait to join her in the clouds before we go to meet the Lord.  She better wait up for me!

Love and Loss - Taking Life One Day at a Time

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Music is a huge part of my soul. It's what gets me going, keeps me moving, and is a huge part of what my heart needs to live life to the fullest.

Playing the piano reminds me of her. After she died, I didn't touch music for almost a year because it hurt so bad.  She inspired me to take lessons, drove me to my lessons, found my piano teacher, made me practice, and told my dad we needed a better piano (which is now sitting in my living room:)). She encouraged me, took me to my recitals, and planted the seed of music in my soul, growing me to my full potential.

I don't take lessons anymore, but when I play now, I feel her presence. I feel like she's just in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher in the next room telling me I have to practice for 30 more minutes.

Whenever we would have dinner guests, she would always ask me to play after dinner. As if I had a choice when she asked in front of everyone?

I really hated that, but I would give anything to hear her say it one more time.

Sometimes the other kids in my family would have to help with dinner or do chores and she would ask me to just play the piano for her as my chore.

That part wasn't so bad. :-)

I tried to quit a couple times because I didn't want to practice. I don't think I would have actually followed through because I really did love playing, but I knew she wouldn't have let me anyway, and I liked that.

Sometimes when I play now, I feel like I'm playing for her. It's as if her spirit is right there with me. Sometimes it's hard to play. Sometimes I try to not think about her so I don't have to feel the pain of missing her. But I know that's not right. I know I need to allow myself to process this grief and let myself truly miss and love her to heal.

Playing the piano just makes me feel like she's right there with me again, and I'm just not sure how to feel about that. Part of me wants to embrace her because I miss her, and then another part of me wants to move on and let her go.

Have you ever lost anyone close to you?  Do you go back and forth between heartache and feeling healed? Are there things that you do or see in your daily life that remind you of the person you lost?  How do you cope?

Happy Birthday, Mom

Have you ever lost someone close to you? Sometimes I find it healing to write letters to my mom who passed away unexpectedly in 2006. Grief and loss are experienced by many, and I find it especially healing to blog about her from time to time to help in my healing process. Here's a letter that I would want to share with my mom today on her 49th birthday.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Today you would have been 49.

I think you would be proud of our family this year.

Little baby Rachel just turned sweet 16 and got her driver's license. You wouldn't believe what an amazing young woman she's becoming mom. She has such a loving and tender spirit and she's just so grown up all of a sudden! She's going to homecoming with a bunch of her friends this weekend. I know you would have loved to curl her hair and take her dress shopping like you did for me when I was in high school. Remember when you bought me that white dress with all the glitter? Dad was upset you spent so much money on a dress for me... but I think it was worth it. I felt like such a queen that night!

Con man is in his second year down at U of A. Remember when you used to have to buy him special pants and then hem them during his "husky" years? You would never need to hem his pants again.... he is super tall and muscular now! He's made a ton of new friends down at college and is definitely Mr. Popular! He has a girlfriend named Meghan that I think you'd like a lot.

Bear is truly all grown up now. He graduated from ASU in May and got an amazing job over in San Francisco! Remember when we took that family vacation to San Fran? That was a fun trip.... it's still one of my favorite cities of all time! Anyway, Erik tried to explain to me what he does over there, but it's so fancy schmancy I can't even explain it. Something to do with stocks and managing wealthy people's money. Anyway, he has a condo over there with a roommate that he gets along with well. I can't wait to see him for Christmas. It's weird not seeing him all the time now.

Dad is doing great too. He just bought a new sports car... you know... the one he's been talking about his whole life but always felt it was irresponsible since he had so many kids to take care of? :) You wouldn't believe how much he's grown as a person over the past few years. You would be so proud of him. He's all I could ever ask for in a Dad.


And me?  I've been busy too.  Scott and I have been married almost 3 years now and I started grad school to get my Master's in Counseling this year.  Ever since I was a little girl you told me I would end up in one of the "helping professions."  You were right, as usual.  I miss singing and playing the piano for you.  I've been working on a few songs that I know you would love.  I'm becoming a better cook too.... I really wish I  would have taken you up on those cooking and sewing lessons when I had the chance!  I think you'd be proud of who I am today though... or at least a lot of people tell me you would be anyway. :)

It's hard to go through these milestones without you, and I'm sad that you're not here to experience life with us.

Love and miss you.

Happy birthday, Mom. 

If you knew my mom and would like to leave a birthday comment of something you miss or something you would want to tell her, feel free to comment below! :) I love to read memories that others have of her. You can also read the post I wrote last year on her birthday, HERE.

Mom

Sometimes I just miss her.  Her laugh, her face, her voice.

I wish I could just have one last conversation with her.

I want to go out to coffee with her and tell her what I'm doing now.  I want to show her our house, tell her about my dreams, and hear her say that she's proud of me.

I want her to come worship with me at Bethany and have her meet all the people that have so tremendously impacted my life in the last couple of years.  I want to tell her about our Young Married's Group, have her meet all the amazing people I am blessed to be able to play/sing with on the worship team, and meet some of my new best friends.

I want her to meet Sadie and Sam, show her the upgrades we've made to our house, and tell her about how good my husband is to me.

I want to sing and play the piano for her and thank her for not letting me quit just because I wanted to go outside and play with my friends instead of practice.

I want to tell her that so much of who I am is because of her, and that when people tell me I look like her, I say, "Really? You think so?" and am totally flattered because I think that she is so beautiful.

It's amazing to me that 4 years can go by, and my heart would still want her this much - not the way she was when she died, but the way she was in my childhood.

I'm not mad at God anymore, but am still sad that life happened the way that it did.  Why her?  Why MY mom?  Why HER soul?  IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.  There are plenty of alcoholics that recover only to find true life and joy on the other side.  And she was one of the strongest people I know.  IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. So what happened there?  Why couldn't she be one of the ones who made a strong comeback? 

My friend Sarah wrote an amazing song that she sang in church today called "Your Love".  It's about how broken we can feel in this life sometimes, and how much we yearn for meaning and answers that just aren't always there.  Our viewpoint is so limited from where we stand, and only God knows the answers.  It's hard to have to go through life not understanding why things happen a certain way.  I can only lean on God and his love to get me through.  I want to be overwhelmed in His power and grace such that I find my peace and comfort in Him.

I don't want to ask God "why?" anymore.  I want to be content with not knowing all of the answers, and just be consumed and carried away in His love.

"Your Love" 
by Sarah Studebaker

Waiting here in this hour, broken down upon my knees right where I fell
Searching for the arms of a Love, for the eyes from above 'cause I can't see so well

Reaching through the darkness of this life, through the things that don't seem right and so out of place
Hoping in the promise of the other side, the arms of Love are open wide, the hands of Grace

Love come down, Love, I need you now


Rivers of mercy wash over me, showers of grace come down
Wrap Your arms around me and carry me away in your love, Your love

Striving for the answers I can't find in a world I can't rewind to a better day
Aching for a heart that You can fill, for the strength to do Your will, I pray


Love come down, Love, I need you now


Rivers of mercy wash over me, showers of grace come down
Wrap Your arms around me and carry me away in Your love, Your love

Thanks for sharing and healing people with your music, Sarah!:)  <3 you.

Kathleen Marie 10.12.1961-2.24.2006

(The lay out of the blog cuts off the right side of the collage so just click on any image above to see the whole thing in it's entirety.)

Today is the 4 year anniversary of my mom's death. 

I thought it would be healing for me today to make a collage and share a little bit.  I blogged about her here on her 48th birthday last year and received so much feedback that I decided to share more.  It was so inspiring and encouraging for me to hear from and connect with others who were hurting from her loss as well.

Even though it's hard sometimes, I am still trusting God as the blessed controller of all things, and know that my life will be a continuing healing process.  I love her.  I miss her.  I want her here healthy and living.  But since I can't have that, I choose to be thankful for her life and for all she taught me.  I am thankful for my continued growth every day and for God's healing in my life.  I'm thankful for my family, friends, mentors, and mom figures that have helped in my healing, and I am thankful for the many glorious years that my mom tremendously blessed the lives of others.  While it is impossible to forget the hard times, I will treasure happy memories of her forever and can't wait to dance with her in heaven some day.

I know my family would love to read any happy memories you have of her if you would like to share in the comments section below.:)