Mom

Sometimes I just miss her.  Her laugh, her face, her voice.

I wish I could just have one last conversation with her.

I want to go out to coffee with her and tell her what I'm doing now.  I want to show her our house, tell her about my dreams, and hear her say that she's proud of me.

I want her to come worship with me at Bethany and have her meet all the people that have so tremendously impacted my life in the last couple of years.  I want to tell her about our Young Married's Group, have her meet all the amazing people I am blessed to be able to play/sing with on the worship team, and meet some of my new best friends.

I want her to meet Sadie and Sam, show her the upgrades we've made to our house, and tell her about how good my husband is to me.

I want to sing and play the piano for her and thank her for not letting me quit just because I wanted to go outside and play with my friends instead of practice.

I want to tell her that so much of who I am is because of her, and that when people tell me I look like her, I say, "Really? You think so?" and am totally flattered because I think that she is so beautiful.

It's amazing to me that 4 years can go by, and my heart would still want her this much - not the way she was when she died, but the way she was in my childhood.

I'm not mad at God anymore, but am still sad that life happened the way that it did.  Why her?  Why MY mom?  Why HER soul?  IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.  There are plenty of alcoholics that recover only to find true life and joy on the other side.  And she was one of the strongest people I know.  IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. So what happened there?  Why couldn't she be one of the ones who made a strong comeback? 

My friend Sarah wrote an amazing song that she sang in church today called "Your Love".  It's about how broken we can feel in this life sometimes, and how much we yearn for meaning and answers that just aren't always there.  Our viewpoint is so limited from where we stand, and only God knows the answers.  It's hard to have to go through life not understanding why things happen a certain way.  I can only lean on God and his love to get me through.  I want to be overwhelmed in His power and grace such that I find my peace and comfort in Him.

I don't want to ask God "why?" anymore.  I want to be content with not knowing all of the answers, and just be consumed and carried away in His love.

"Your Love" 
by Sarah Studebaker

Waiting here in this hour, broken down upon my knees right where I fell
Searching for the arms of a Love, for the eyes from above 'cause I can't see so well

Reaching through the darkness of this life, through the things that don't seem right and so out of place
Hoping in the promise of the other side, the arms of Love are open wide, the hands of Grace

Love come down, Love, I need you now


Rivers of mercy wash over me, showers of grace come down
Wrap Your arms around me and carry me away in your love, Your love

Striving for the answers I can't find in a world I can't rewind to a better day
Aching for a heart that You can fill, for the strength to do Your will, I pray


Love come down, Love, I need you now


Rivers of mercy wash over me, showers of grace come down
Wrap Your arms around me and carry me away in Your love, Your love

Thanks for sharing and healing people with your music, Sarah!:)  <3 you.

Catching Up

May Travels

Wow... so I just blinked, and May happened.  Crazy!  The first two weeks of May we spent traveling through France, Switzerland, Austria, Germany, and Italy.  Trip of a lifetime to be sure!  Through my travels, I've decided that sometime in my life I need to live in the mountains and/or live somewhere cold because my soul just longs for places that are beautiful!  I loved absorbing every second of all of the different cultures we experienced, and it was so fun to just get out of our routine and catch a glimpse of how the rest of the world lives.  We may be writing more on this later... but this is just a quick May/June catch up post for now.

Birthday Boy

We celebrated Scott's big 2-4 at the end of the month by having a Memorial Day BBQ with some of his closest friends over.  We had a blast stuffing our faces and spending time with our besties.

Celebration in Heaven

My sweet grandma (my dad's mom) passed away at the end of May as well.  She had fallen and hurt herself mid-May, and was struggling to recover.  After a few days of being in the hospital, she was transferred to hospice where she spent her final days in peace.  My family was able to go and say our goodbyes to her at this time as we knew she would not be on this Earth much longer.  It was hard to say goodbye, but we know she's in a better place now.:)  

We had some family come into town for the funeral, and Scott and I had the privilege of having my Grandma Helen come stay at our house for a few days!  It was so fun having her around and getting to spend so much quality time.  She is a yoga instructor, massage therapist, and likes to go on hikes with her grandkids!  She is also an active quiltist (is that a word?? now it is!!) and gardener!!  Coolest. Grandma. Ever.:)

She will be truly missed.

Annnnnnnnnnnd of course, today is Father's Day!  We had my family over for a BBQ and then went to As You Wish (a pottery place where you can pick out a piece of blank art work and decorate/paint/stensil/puff paint to your heart's desire!)  Juli bought us 6 ice-cream bowls and we all painted one for my Dad.  Very fun!  I wish I would have taken pictures of all of them.... but I didn't so I'll just have to wait until after it comes out of the kiln!  They all turned out great.  Anyway, I'm convinced I have the best Dad in the whole world and love that there is a whole day to celebrate how wonderful he is. :-)  Love you, Dad!!