Peace, Patience, Acceptance, and Surrender

Sometimes it's a little scary to put yourself out there on the internet for all to see how you really feel inside.  But if there's anything I've learned about writing and blogging, it's that it is extremely helpful to not only be able to articulate what I'm really thinking, but to do it in a genuine, sincere, and honest way.  Through doing that, not only do I feel better as I use this blog as a journal of sorts... but I am always so rewarded to find that God brings others into my life that can relate... others that feel the same way... or have been there at one point in time.  So yeah, I might word vomit on the world wide web from time to time, but it helps me clear my head, and hopefully you won't think I'm too strange and will still want to be friends if you know me in real life. :-)

With that long introduction, here is what I've been thinking about this past weekend.

I will admit to you, friends, that at times I strive for perfectionism instead of "good enough."  And at times, I don't think that my best is ever "good enough."  For small mistakes, I can be incredibly hard on myself!  Thus, the nature of perfectionism.  I used to think there was nothing wrong with this... I was just... always trying my best.  How could that be wrong, right?  Well, it's wrong, because perfection only exists in our minds!  It's just not healthy!  And now I'm starting to take out my perfectionism on my sweet baby girl.

My little girl is her own unique being, and I just can't control certain things about her no matter how hard I try! God is continuously calling me to let go.  My little spunky gal has a world of personality, and she is going to do what she's going to do in her own time!  It's not about me.

For example...

-She is not always going to sleep when and where I want her to - and it's not about me.
-She may cry and I won't always know why - and it's not about me.
-She may grunt and scream in the middle of Target - and it's not about me.


Her personality doesn't reflect on my parenting!  If she goes A-wall on me, or decides to wake up every 2-4 hours at night... it's not about me.  I've tried everything!  Now it's just about learning to be at peace, along with patience, acceptance, and surrender.

Being a parent is about learning how to be flexible, not stressing when things don't work out as planned, and learning how to love unconditionally.

But instead of thinking like this, sometimes I feel like Satan is whispering in my ear and saying things like...

"If you were just a better parent and knew what you were doing... Kaelyn would (insert desired behavior here)......."


LIES!!!

Regardless of how many books I read, or how many people I ask for advice, Ms. K doesn't fit the mold of what any other baby that I know.  Nor will she ever.

God is continuously smiling and looking down on me... and reminding me that He is just teaching me more about peace, patience, acceptance, and surrender.  Maybe one day I'll get it. :-)

K is 5 Months and This Learning Curve is Steep!

Miss Kaelyn Grace is 5 months old!  Ceeelllllleeebrate good times, come on!!  Just like everyone said it would... these months are FLYING by.  Here are some things that happened in this past month:

• Tried some mushed up bananas (loved them!) and rice cereal (not a fan!)
• Learned how to grab things and stuff in her mouth
• Discovered how to bat at objects on purpose and watch the effects
• More head control
• Knows how to scoot around a bit on her belly
• A professional roller (from front to back)
• Smile and flirt with everyone!
• Chew on everything (even though she doesn't have any toofies yet)
• Drool even more!
• The development of a third chin and the chunkiest little cheeks!
• Lost almost all of her newborn baby hair.. but is growing in some blonde peach fuzz!
• Giggles and "talks" constantly
• Is not as shy as she was last month and is more comfortable being held by new people

While I fall in love with her more and more each day and am happier then I have ever been in my life, I have absolutely hit some of my lowest moment emotionally.  Before I start whining, let me preface by saying how much I LOVE my life and my sweet baby girl, and as I just said above, I am truly the happiest I have ever been.  My heart is so content and bubbling over with joy, and I could not be more thankful for all that God has blessed me with.  I could do a whole blog post on how good my baby smells and how her little feet are the cutest feet any baby has ever had... EVER, but I'll spare you the details for now.  I think you get the picture.

That being said... we went through a 2 week period this month where K decided to wake up EVERY HOUR (sometimes twice an hour!!) for her paci or to be comforted back to sleep.  I could go into gross detail about all the things we have tried, but I don't need any more advice and don't wish to troubleshoot.

I'm just sayin'.... it is so hard to get through the day when your head is pounding due to lack of sleep and all you can think about is when you will be able to collapse onto your pillow next.  In the past 2 days, she has only woke up between 2-4 times between 7pm - 7am, so hopefully we're turning a corner.  That might sound like a lot to you, but it's really not that bad comparably!! :-)  It drives me crazy is just so wonderful that some babies sleep through the night on their own without the parents having to do much of anything... not having to read any books or not having to let their babies "cry it out for hours on end"... what a blessing... for those parents.... ha ha ha ha ha ha (slow evil fake laugh.... grrrrrrrrrrrrr)

I've read every article and book on baby sleep and I think I'm doing myself more damage then good.  I'm on informational overload and need to listen more to my heart and intuition vs. what all of these fancy schmancy doctors say.  Some of these parental decisions (vaccinations, where the baby sleeps, the best way to get a baby back to sleep, best way to give birth, etc.) can be so overwhelming at times.  I want nothing more then for God to just audibly tell me, "Brianne... the BEST thing for you to do in this situation is.. (INSERT GOD'S SOLUTION HERE)."  

Sleep deprivation is definitely the biggest struggle for me in parenthood so far, but a close second is just not having all the answers that I want.  I'm a student at heart.  I LOVE to learn.  I love class discussions, textbooks, the smell of a clean notebook, and yes, you better believe I am dragging grad school on as long as I can because I hate the thought of not being in school anymore.  I know, I'm a bit of a freak.  But my point in telling you all of this, is that in school, I can study hard for a test and know that the more I study, the better I will typically do on the exam.  When it comes to a living, breathing, human being... it just doesn't work that way!  I can read every book on babies, sleep, vaccinations, birth, etc., and still not know what all the RIGHT answers are.  And it doesn't help that every person in the universe feels differently about all of these issues, and that every parent is different, and every baby is different... blah blah blah.  

Why can't it just say in the Bible:

• Thou shalt only give your child x,y, and z vaccines, but stay away from the "w"vaccine.  

OR

• It is okay to let your child "cry it out" for 30 minutes, at which point you should go in and do the baby whisperer "shush pat method"until she falls back to sleep.

Or something to that affect....

Why do I get the feeling these parenting questions are just going to get more complex with time.... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......

I know I have the tendency to be too black and white sometimes.  I want quick, easy solutions.  Who doesn't?  I know that the answers to a lot of my questions just have to do with praying about what to do, doing what we think is best, having confidence in it, and then being consistent.  Through the process of figuring this stuff out, God is slowly but surely refining me into the person He wants me to be.

God has given me the spiritual gifts of mercy and encouragement.  Because of these gifts, I feel He has called me to go into the counseling field.  But in order to be a good counselor, I have to be able to relate to others.  Because of that, I feel God has allowed me to go through some pretty crazy life experiences to mold me into the person He wants me to be.  THANKS A LOT GOD (sarcasm).  But really... (sarcasm over!), honestly, truly... I have a burning desire to be exactly who God made me to be and to live out HIS purposes for my life.  I love Him with all my heart, mind, and soul, and know that He has a plan for my life.  In this exciting adventure we call life, He uses many tools to shape me.  He knows what He is doing, even if it results in me being exhausted and frustrated at times. :-)  Everything is in His timing, not mine -- and I know He knows what is best for me far better then I. 

God can use the wisdom I've learned from all the books I've read along with every tear, every frustration, and the cloud of confusion that sometimes invades my brain.  I truly do love this journey I am on... even if the learning curve is a little steep! :-)