Mom

Sometimes I just miss her.  Her laugh, her face, her voice.

I wish I could just have one last conversation with her.

I want to go out to coffee with her and tell her what I'm doing now.  I want to show her our house, tell her about my dreams, and hear her say that she's proud of me.

I want her to come worship with me at Bethany and have her meet all the people that have so tremendously impacted my life in the last couple of years.  I want to tell her about our Young Married's Group, have her meet all the amazing people I am blessed to be able to play/sing with on the worship team, and meet some of my new best friends.

I want her to meet Sadie and Sam, show her the upgrades we've made to our house, and tell her about how good my husband is to me.

I want to sing and play the piano for her and thank her for not letting me quit just because I wanted to go outside and play with my friends instead of practice.

I want to tell her that so much of who I am is because of her, and that when people tell me I look like her, I say, "Really? You think so?" and am totally flattered because I think that she is so beautiful.

It's amazing to me that 4 years can go by, and my heart would still want her this much - not the way she was when she died, but the way she was in my childhood.

I'm not mad at God anymore, but am still sad that life happened the way that it did.  Why her?  Why MY mom?  Why HER soul?  IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.  There are plenty of alcoholics that recover only to find true life and joy on the other side.  And she was one of the strongest people I know.  IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. So what happened there?  Why couldn't she be one of the ones who made a strong comeback? 

My friend Sarah wrote an amazing song that she sang in church today called "Your Love".  It's about how broken we can feel in this life sometimes, and how much we yearn for meaning and answers that just aren't always there.  Our viewpoint is so limited from where we stand, and only God knows the answers.  It's hard to have to go through life not understanding why things happen a certain way.  I can only lean on God and his love to get me through.  I want to be overwhelmed in His power and grace such that I find my peace and comfort in Him.

I don't want to ask God "why?" anymore.  I want to be content with not knowing all of the answers, and just be consumed and carried away in His love.

"Your Love" 
by Sarah Studebaker

Waiting here in this hour, broken down upon my knees right where I fell
Searching for the arms of a Love, for the eyes from above 'cause I can't see so well

Reaching through the darkness of this life, through the things that don't seem right and so out of place
Hoping in the promise of the other side, the arms of Love are open wide, the hands of Grace

Love come down, Love, I need you now


Rivers of mercy wash over me, showers of grace come down
Wrap Your arms around me and carry me away in your love, Your love

Striving for the answers I can't find in a world I can't rewind to a better day
Aching for a heart that You can fill, for the strength to do Your will, I pray


Love come down, Love, I need you now


Rivers of mercy wash over me, showers of grace come down
Wrap Your arms around me and carry me away in Your love, Your love

Thanks for sharing and healing people with your music, Sarah!:)  <3 you.