35 Weeks Pregnant... Let the Final Countdown Begin!

(14 weeks)

Once upon a time God created a life inside of me and my belly started to grow....

(19 weeks)

and grow......

(34.5 weeks)

AND GROW!!! SHAZAAMMMM!!

Kaelyn has been doing some growing of her own and supposedly looks something like this...

weighing in around 5ish pounds and 18ish inches.

 UPDATES:

*Among recent belly expansions, I noticed some foreign, light purple lines starting to crawl up my stomach from the bottom up.... Scott thinks that they're "AWESOME BATTLE SCARS!!".... Oh, Lord......  bless my sweet husband!!

*Baby girl is very active these days... and we've been playing the "what the heck part of her body is that??" as Scott and I poke and prod her trying to figure out which limb is which.

*Little Miss K is now 35 weeks... meaning she can safely be considered full term in about 2 weeks!! 

MISC PREGNANCY THINGS:

Things I cannot get enough of: ice-cream, avacados, tomatoes, Chipotle (not necessarily all together, although for some reason that doesn't sound all that bad right now)

Things I am OVER: turning over in bed 50+ times for night, the frequent bathroom breaks, feeling like a whale that definitely SHOULD NOT be walking on land

Things I love: daydreaming of what she will look like and what it will feel like to hold her for the first time, working on the nursery, Scott talking to her, how active she is when I am singing or playing the piano, tiny baby shoes and clothes!

Let the final countdown begin!!!

My.Mom.Died.

With my baby girl coming, I've been thinking a lot about my mom.  Her first grandchild is about to enter this world, and she isn't here.  My mom.  Isn't. Here.  It hurts.  It hurts that my own mother won't be here to experience the joys of childbirth with me.  She was a strong woman, giving birth to all 4 of us naturally, and I know she would be right by my side cheering me on throughout my entire pregnancy and labor.  She would be helping me decorate the nursery, taking me maternity clothes shopping, and making sure I'm taking care of myself.   

My mom would have loved this sweet baby girl so much. That being said, I've been doing some thinking, and I've been doing some grieving.  It's important for me to process as much as I can regarding my mom's death before baby comes so I can be fully present for her. I've been thinking about this post for awhile.... what I would write, why I would write it, who would read it, the purpose of even blogging about it.  

Talking about the night of her death is a first for me.  Because of her unusual death, it's sad to tell what happened because in some ways, it leaves a negative image of who she was and she shouldn't be defined by that.  Her last few years of life were filled with so much sorrow and pain, and that's just not the whole picture.
 

Leading up to the night of her death, my mom had been battling a drinking problem.  She had been trying to quit for 4-5 years, been to countless detox centers, in and out-patient rehabs, therapy, AA, you name it, she'd tried it.  I knew it was only a matter of time before something horrible happened as she had had several dangerous incidents previously because of her drinking.

But here's the whole picture.  My entire life with the exception of her last few years on Earth were filled with happy memories.  I had a wonderful childhood filled with love and true joy.  I feel like my parents did a wonderful job of raising me, and my mom was like a ray of sunshine to everyone she came into contact with.  She was driven, loving, enthusiastic, fun, spontaneous, motivated, and radiated charisma.  She touched the lives of many with her magnetic personality.  Her advice was gold, and she loved to help people in any way she could.  To me, she was super-mom.  She was the PTA-volunteer-van driving-soccer-mom who made nutritious dinners every night and still had time to sew us clothes, take us to the zoo, decorate our home beautifully, and love us with the kind of love that only a mother can.

The drinking was a slow progression over 7-8 years, but looking back now it seems to have come out of nowhere.  How could such a horrible alcohol problem control my strong-willed hero?  The drinking began to get out of control when we left our old church fourteen years ago.  My parents had some disagreements with the doctrine of what this church believed and decided to leave.  Her identity was so wrapped up in this church/religion and what other people thought of her that when relationships with family and friends from this church became strained, she slowly began to lose her identity.  She was haunted by a pain that I can't understand, and suffered silently from guilt and shame not feeling that she was worth anything or that her life mattered.   She had such a strong personality and was capable of so much.  I thought she could do anything she set her mind to.  But something stood in her way.   

She slowly became destroyed from the inside out as she couldn't control her drinking.  This led to more guilt and shame as she felt she was a horrible person and couldn't forgive herself.  It was a vicious cycle as her life fell apart with each drink she took.  Something held her back from complete surrender to God, and she tried too hard to take everything into her own hands. That being said, this is what happened the night of her death.  

It was around 7:30 pm on Feb 24th, 2006.  I was 20 years old.  Living in Orange, CA at the time, I was home in Phoenix for the weekend to celebrate a late Valentine's date with my long-distance boyfriend (now husband), Scott.  We took a few blankets out to the park next to a lake, lit some candles, and brought all our favorite delicacies to snack on. It was a beautiful night.  We snuggled under the stars talking about life, love, and everything in between.  

A few hours later, we walked hand in hand back to the car.  I looked at my phone and had 4 missed calls from my dad and a few messages telling me I needed to come home right away.  My heart sank.  My stomach lurched.  Somehow, I knew.

When Scott and I walked through the door, my dad was sitting on the couch with my sister.  There was so much pain in that moment that I can hardly remember what happened.  My dad told me that my mom had gone to a hotel room with a friend.  They had both been kicked out of a halfway house and didn't have anywhere to go that night.  They decided to buy some booze, and drinking away their sorrows, they had both passed out.  When my mom's friend woke up, she went over to my mom and noticed she wasn't breathing.   

She frantically called an ambulance, but it was too late.   My mom was gone.

A few weeks later an autopsy officially declared the cause of death.  Acute.Alcohol.Intoxication.  She had drank so much, she had poisoned herself to the point of death.  With so much alcohol in her system, she had blacked out and never woke up.  

I felt dizzy, my body heavy and weak.  I was numb to reality.  Time froze.  I did not care.  Visitors came.  Visitors left.  People brought food.  Days passed.  I sat on the couch in a dazed state unable to move.  I ate.  I slept.  I wept.  I tried hard to be present in my own life.

The funeral was filled with hundreds of people from our old church, from our new church, her work, and numerous people from rehabs and friends from AA that she had touched.  I was in a dream, and wanted to disappear.  This was not my life.  I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone.  How was I supposed to face my own life? 
  
It has now been 5 years.  I was engaged 9 months after my mom's death, and married a year later.  I now have a husband, a house, 2 golden retrievers, an amazing church, incredibly supportive, loving friends and family, and a baby girl on the way.  

But.

Sometimes, I still miss my mom.  I will always miss my mom.  She was my mom... and her life has a whole different meaning to me now.  Now I know what it feels like to carry a life inside of me.  Now I know a little bit of what she felt when she carried me for those 9 months in her womb.  Now I have a whole new appreciation for how much she loved me.

At the same time, there's a part of me that's frustrated with her.  She did this to herself.  And now she won't get to experience the joys of being a grandparent because she made a lot of stupid choices.  That being said, I don't want to hold on to anger, resentment, and the thoughts of "what could have been."

I want to remember the good times, and leave the bad.  And since I can't ask her questions about what it was like to get pregnant and give birth to me, I like to think about what it means to me now to become a mother.  I was her first-born, and I'm about to give birth to my first-born.

I bet she loved feeling my kicks inside of her, and watching me move in her stomach.  I bet she dreamed of what I would look like, my wedding day, and what I would grow up to be like.  She used to tell me that the day I came into this world was one of the most joy filled, exciting, happy moments of her life.  And now I can catch a glimpse of what that is going to feel like, because I for one feel like I cannot wait one more second to hold my baby girl in my arms!

More than anything in this world, I want to be real.  Real about my journey, real about who I am, real about where I come from.  Real about the fact that there are people out there that struggle with alcoholism and drug addiction that are truly amazing people, and real about the fact that you can't judge a book by it's cover. Up until the last years of her life, Kathleen Marie Johnson was an amazing mom, wife, auntie, and friend.  I wish Kaelyn could meet her the way she was when she was healthy, but I guess my baby girl will have to just wait until we get to heaven.

It's Baby Time Part 3 of 3: Don't Do Drugs (Stay in School)

Before reading this post, make sure to catch up on Part 1 and Part 2 of "It's Baby Time."   In those posts, I talked all about why we want a natural birth and decided against giving birth in a hospital.  This post is essentially the culmination of everything.


Why I Do Not Want an Epidural

God created women's bodies to give birth.  When you give birth naturally, your body produces various hormones to help you cope with the pain.  If you are pumping artificial hormones and drugs into your body, your body cannot physically respond the same way.  I'm trying to do everything "right" in pregnancy... eat healthy, make sure I get enough protein, avoid alcohol, ibuprofen, nitrates, the list goes on.  I've given up the occasional glass of wine, artificial sweeteners, and my old caffeine habits so that I can birth the healthiest baby girl possible.  So.... to me, it doesn't make sense that when the baby is still in my body, that I would pump in anesthetics... drugs powerful enough to numb the lower half of my body...  for my comfort... at the risk of my health and my baby's health?

Most women just think, "Worst pain of my life... where do I sign so I DON'T feel that."  Well, what about researching the risks or complications?  Or thinking about the fact that those drugs ARE going to your baby who is still inside of you?  Not to mention... epidurals don't even always work.  I've talked to a few friends that have told me they still felt everything anyway, or that they still felt the pain on one half of their body.  Don't just read the materials your doctor gives you or tells you.  Do your own research.

Studies seem to be somewhat ambiguous on the short and long term side effects of epidurals.  For example, on one side, I've read that drugs and labor positions can cause minimal brain damage to your child.  This means that your child may still be within normal ranges, but he or she may have lowered intelligence, speech and reading difficulties, shortened attention span, hyperactivity, or awkward physical coordination.  According to The American Pregnancy Association, most studies suggest that "some babies will have trouble latching on, which can lead to breastfeeding difficulties.  Other studies suggest that the baby may experience respiratory depression, fetal malpositioning; and an increase in fetal heart rate variability, which may increase the need for forceps, vacuum, cesarean deliveries, and episiotomies."  Other studies say the risk of side effects on you and your baby are incredibly low, and that the benefits outweigh the risks.  If it allows you to rest during labor and relieves the pain with minimal risk, then why not?  If it feels good, do it.  This post could be 10 pages long with all of the research on both sides of this issue.  But it seems pretty simple to me.

If the short and long term effects are not 100% known, and there is no conclusive evidence, then why would I risk my health or the health of my unborn child if I can do it naturally?  I realize how common they are, and how it may make the labor incredibly more pleasant, and how much people love them... so go ahead and comment as you will, those are just my thoughts. :)

Additionally, if you have an epidural, you lose your ability to move around on your own, and it makes your labor longer. Laying down with your back on a table and feet up in stirrups may be convenient for the doctors, but doesn't it make more sense to use gravity to maximize pushing efficiency?  Do a quick google search on best labor positions.  You will find that lying on your back or leaning on your back during labor can put stress on the oxygen supply to your baby.  If you are numbed from the waste down and confined to a hospital bed... your'e pretty stuck.  I'd like to be able to move around in labor, and do whatever my body feels like doing in the given moment.  From what I've heard, when it comes time, my body will know what to do, and I'd like to be able to feel that.

Conclusion

These are some of the reasons that Scott and I are so excited for Kaelyn to make her way into this universe.  We have done research on what we would like Kaelyn's birth to be like, and are very much looking forward to the experience.  We recently read "The Husband Coached Childbirth" by Dr. Robert Bradley, and are so excited to work together as a team to bring her into the world.  Ultimately, the decisions other parents make about childbirth are indeed their decisions, and I completely understand that what is best for us may not be best for everybody.  I would never judge anyone for making one decision or another, I just want others to understand why we have created our birth plan this way.

It would be my desire that others would take a more active role in birth education and be able to make more informed decisions when it comes to birth and labor.  Birth center... hospital... drugs... no drugs... We just need to do our homework, regardless of what we decide.  I feel like a lot of people just go to the hospital because that's what everyone else does, or get an epidural because they're afraid of pain, and there's not much else they take into consideration.  For such a major, life-changing event, I hope that more moms and dads take more active roles in what they want their birthing process to look like.  There are pros and cons to both sides... and everybody is different.  Labor, birth, and parenting have everything to do with what the parents feel is best for them and their baby.  And this is what is best for us.

References

AmericanPregnancyAssociation.org

Movies: Pregnancy in America and The Business of Being Born

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services' National Vital Statistics Reports, Volume 58, Number 11, "Trends and Characteristics of Home and Other Out-of-Hospital Births in the US, 1990-2006"

U.S. Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality: http://hcupnet.ahrg.gov/

World Health Organization Fact Sheet on Skilled Birth Attendants, 2008

It's Baby Time Part 2 of 3: You're Not Giving Birth in a Hospital??!

Before reading this post, make sure you read Part 1 of "It's Baby Time."  In my last post, I talked about why we want a natural childbirth and about our decision to give birth at a birth center.  Today's post is on why we don't want to give birth in a hospital.

I would like to preface these next two posts by saying that this is not meant to be a judgement on anyone else who chooses hospital births and epidurals! :)  I just wanted to explain our thought process so that others will understand why we are making the decision that we are.  Everyone is different, and no one can tell you what is right for you.  I am just advocating that families be fully informed and aware before making these kinds of decisions, and not just make choices based off of what everyone else does or out of fear.  That being said...


Why We Do Not Want to Give Birth in a Hospital

Historically speaking, in the United States, it used to be more common to NOT give birth in the hospital.  In 1940, 44% of births were out-of-hospital (U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services, 2010).  In 1969, that number had dropped to around 1% and has remained around there for several decades.  It may be uncommon to have an out-of-hospital birth in America, but comparatively, around the world a third of all births take place in the home even without a skilled attendant (World Health Organization, 2008).  Anyway, it's not about what everyone else is doing... let's look at our top reasons for not wanting to give birth in a hospital:

1) Increased risk of unneccessary medical interventions and C-sections

2) Longer recovery periods

3) Extremely expensive

1) First of all, it's not necessarily safer to give birth in the hospital!  If I go to the hospital, I have a 1-in-3 chance of having major abdominal surgery, also known as a cesarean birth (National Center for Health Statistics).  Are C-sections and other medical interventions extremely helpful and absolutely necessary at times?  YES!  But do 1-in-3 moms truly have emergencies and need a C-section?  This is not the norm!  I don't know anyone that has ever had a C-section that would advocate that it is the best way to go.  Not your ideal uplifting birth experience to be sure.  A giant cut is made in your belly, and your baby is pulled out.  Then, you can expect to stay in the hospital for 2-4 days, and recovery will take about 4-6 weeks.  Not only is it more expensive, but there are major risks from the surgery itself and from the anesthesia.  I'm not really wanting to spend my first few days or weeks with my new baby on pain killers.

Oh, and there is also a small chance that the baby could have breathing problems, be sluggish after birth, or that you may have increased bleeding requiring a blood transfusion, an infection in the incision, uterus, or nearby organs, reactions to the medications, injuries to the bowel or bladder, or blood clots.  If you've had a C-section, then you are at an increased risk in your next births for having the placenta implant to low or too deep in the uterus which can cause severe bleeding during labor and delivery.  Also, studies show that cesarean delivery has negative effects on breastfeeding, and rates of breastfeeding moms who have had c-sections versus vaginal births were significantly lower. 

But.. this isn't a post about why you don't want to have a C-section.  It's about the fact that if you go to an American hospital, you have approximately a 1-in-3 chance of getting a C-section.  And if you're induced, your risk of C-section pretty much doubles.

Once again, if I need to have an emergency C-section, I will be very thankful for the doctors and for current medical technology.  They are done for a reason, and they save many lives.  I'm just saying... there are a large majority of unnecessary things that happen in hospitals at the last minute that the mom doesn't have a lot of control over... things she may not have agreed to if she had more knowledge about the various scenarios or if she was in a different mindset.

Why are there so many C-sections?  Does it have anything to do with the fact that the people in charge are surgeons?  As written above, some argue that a large majority of C-sections are not done in case of an emergency, like they are supposed to be.  Here's one scenario that seems to be fairly common...  If you are not progressing quickly enough, according to the doctor, you will likely be given pitocin.  Well, then your contractions are going to be so intense, you will need stronger drugs to help numb the pain, so you get an epidural.  But the epidural is going to slow down your labor, so you'll need more pitocin.  It's a vicious cycle.  And as mentioned previously, if you have an epidural, you are at a much higher risk of having your blood pressure go down, which may change your baby's heart rate (your baby needs oxygen)... you get the picture.   Then, since your baby's heart rate dropped, the doctor will tell you your baby is in fetal distress, and you will be preparing for your C-section.  The baby's heart rate likely dropped because of your drugs... not just out of nowhere for no reason.  I don't think a lot of women understand this ahead of time.  Anyway, I'll write more about epidurals in "It's Baby Time Part 3."  On to the second reason we don't want to give birth in a hospital.

2) If you go to a hospital to deliver, you are going to have a longer recovery period.  The recovery period after a C-section birth is especially long.  At the birth center, we can leave when we feel comfortable (a few hours to 24 hours after) and we're not going to be charged an arm and a leg to stay there after the birth.  Which leads up to the next reason...

3) Expenses!  One of our biggest concerns pre-pregnancy was the cost of labor.  We were on individual insurance plans when we first became pregnant, and so I called about 8 hospitals in our area trying to figure out what the cost would be.  I was asking the hospitals about the cheapest route possible... vaginal birth without an epidural.  The costs averaged around $8,000 and that is NOT including additional newborn care charges or maternity provider charges. That is JUST the birth.  Assuming I don't have to go to the hospital, my cost is going to total around $3,750 at Blossom and it includes ALL of my pre-natal visits and the actual birth.  That's not to mention the compassionate and comprehensive care, the nutritional counseling, the educational videos, and that they're always available anytime I call with a concern or question.

Check out this chart on the average hospital labor and birth charges by method of birth in Arizona (also not including additional newborn care charges or maternity provider charges):

Is that eye-opening or what?  Hospitals are there to help people, but they also make quite a bit of money off of pregnant women!  I would argue too that hospitals are often about time, efficiency, and control, and labor is time-intensive and unpredictable!  Why wait 16-24 hours for a mother to give birth naturally when you can get a baby out easily and efficiently with a 20 minute surgery?  It's unfair to rob a woman of an empowering birth experience and the chance to bond with her baby right after labor, thus potentially damaging her chances to successfully breastfeed, when not absolutely necessary.  But women aren't told about the difficult recovery times and all of the disadvantages.  They just trust the doctor in charge because the doc says it's what you have to do to have the baby be okay and healthy.  Hospitals make so much money off of people having babies and I think it's insane.  Having a baby is a normal life occurrence.  Again, if something were to go wrong, they definitely serve an amazing purpose.  I'm not trying to bash on hospitals.  If we need to go to the hospital for some reason, we will gladly go and be incredibly thankful for modern day medicine and technology.  Things don't always go according to our plans.

We're not done yet!  Keep reading for, "It's Baby Time Part 3 of 3," wrapping up about epidurals.

It's Baby Time Part 1 of 3: Goin' Au Naturale

Recently, I have had a lot of people ask me what hospital we are delivering at.  Another question I have been asked is whether or not I am going to have an epidural.  You should see the looks on people's faces when I tell them that we are delivering at a birthing center completely drug free.  Not only do most people not know what a birthing center is, but when I tell people I'm not getting any drugs they look at me like I have a third eyeball.

Regardless of the chosen method, I am incredibly surprised at the lack of knowledge that people have about the birthing process in general, and how lackadaisical moms-to-be are about what they want their birth to be like.  It's a huge event that deserves a large amount of research and consideration!  This post is not intended to be an "in-your-face, everyone should do it like us post."  Scott and I are going a route that is a little off the beaten path, and with all of the questions I've been getting, I just wanted to explain a little bit about where our thought process is coming from.

Why We Want a Natural Birth

When I became pregnant, I started doing some research on the labor process.  I knew my mom had done 4 natural child births, and I wondered what her reasoning and thought process was.  I watched a few movies such as "The Business of Being Born" and "Pregnant in America" and did some research on epidurals.  I talked to friends who have given birth at home as well as naturally in a hospital, and listened to their birth stories.  I also read blogs and listened to friends' stories of those who had given birth in the hospital with epidurals, and I noticed a pattern.

The women who gave birth naturally seemed to go on and on about the beauty of birth and what a wonderful experience it was, and the women who took the normal hospital delivery route told me about the scary complications they had during delivery (fetal distress, abnormal fetal heart-rate, baby pulled out with forceps, mom's blood pressure dropping...).  None of them seemed to be aware (or at least vocal) about the fact that most of these complications were side-effects of the drugs they decided to take!  I kept hearing, "I was so glad the hospital was there to save my baby," when in all actuality, it was likely the hospital that helped cause the complications in the first place....

Then I thought about having a giant needle stuck in my back, and what it would feel like to not be able to feel my body from the waist down.  It didn't seem to make sense to me.  If I'm trying to push a baby out of that region, why would I numb my entire lower body?  Doesn't seem very efficient...  Plus, I hate hospitals to begin with.  The smell, the halls, the sterile ugly walls, and a bunch of sick patients... I am not sick!  I'm just having a baby!  I'm pretty sure God created women to bear children and that women have been doing this for thousands of years.  God has been growing this precious child in my womb, He invented childbirth, and I am in awe of His whole creative process.  He wouldn't give me something I couldn't handle.  I started thinking about a place I could give birth where I could be completely comfortable, relaxed, and not have machines beeping at me and people constantly coming in and out.  Where can I give birth where I feel safe, focused, and can have candles, music, and do whatever I feel like doing without an IV in my arm?  Where can I walk around, lay in a bathtub, or do whatever I feel like doing?  Certainly not in a hospital.  I've been told that birth is faster and easier when you feel most comfortable.  Makes sense to me!  I considered giving birth at home, but didn't want everyone to completely freak out on my first birth, so I decided a birth center would be a good compromise.

What is a Birth Center?

Birth centers are comfortable, homelike medical facilities designed for low risk, healthy, pregnant woman who want an alternative to a hospital or home birth.  Located a couple of blocks from the hospital, I will be giving birth at Blossom Birth and Wellness Center where I feel I am getting the most comprehensive and compassionate prenatal care.  Then, assuming Kaelyn doesn't present herself before 37 weeks, I will give birth here as well.  They also offer different educational classes on a variety of subjects including breastfeeding classes and support groups.  They seek to care for their patients holistically and really seek to understand who you are as a person... What brought you to this point in your life...  What your plans are as a parent...  Every visit we have had here has been at least an hour, and it is the exact opposite of your typical crazy OB/GYN office.  It's quiet, calm, peaceful, and the providers take the time to really get to know you.  It is here that we feel I am getting the most comprehensive and meaningful, informed care, and it is here that I can give birth the way that I want without interventions or interruptions.

And there's a lot more!  Continue on to "It's Baby Time Part 2 of 3" to read more about our thoughts and research on hospital births.