Our Favorite Marriage Secrets

Marriage is something I'm pretty passionate about.  I also believe it is something you have to be intentional about.  Healthy, strong, relationships, take a fair amount of dedication and effort.  Because of this, I believe it is something that we should be talking more about.  How do we strengthen our marriages and develop healthier families?  How can we work together as a community to build each other up and encourage each other to be better spouses?

Scott and I are just two regular people who love each other deeply and care about our relationship, and these are some of the things we've noticed that help us to build upon our foundation.  We have our fair share of "off" days or moments, but there are certain things that we have discovered that help our marriage thrive.  We've noticed that some of these things have been harder to keep up on since Kaelyn has been born, so we want to make sure we are even more attentive to them and are constantly adding to this list so that we can be happily married until we are 105! 

1) Talk about the little things that happen during your day.  It is important to stay connected whether it is through texting, instant messaging, phone calls, or facetime!  Don't ever feel as though the "little things" aren't important enough to share.

2)  Communicate your thoughts and feelings as much as possible.  Don't let anything build up.  Are you feeling stressed?  Tell your spouse.  Ladies... is it that time of the month?  Why not warn him ahead of time if you know you are going to feel moody?  Gentlemen... did you have a particularly stressful day at work or are you just having an off day?  By letting your spouse know where you are coming from and how you are doing that day, he or she can better understand your mood and be more compassionate towards you.

3) Don't ever try to have conversations when one of you are hungry or tired!  Let's be honest... it just never works!

4) Speaking of conversations... do you have a serious conversation that needs to happen?  Set aside time to talk--don't just word vomit at the wrong times.  Schedule a time to go to Starbucks and work it out when you are both feeling relaxed and objective.  Or go out for ice-cream and talk when you are calm and in a good mood.  Don't just air it all in the heat of the moment. 

5) Talk face to face when asking each other to do things or when having a conversation.  Make eye contact.  When being critical of the other or asking someone to change something, this is even more important.  Try to give an affectionate touch while saying something that is hard, and watch your tone and the WAY you are communicating. 

6) Don't underestimate the value of saying "thank you." Build each other up. Give each other compliments.  Are your negative interactions more than your positive ones?  Make sure that your positive interactions are more abundant. 

7) Remember, the two of you are on the same team!  When approaching an issue you disagree on, remember that you are both working together towards a goal.  He or she is not the enemy.

8) When you disagree, why not compromise?  How strongly do each of you feel about the issue?  Again, you're a team.  So approach it as working together, instead of fighting from opposite sides of the fence.  Rate the issue on a scale of 1-10.  Maybe whoever feels more strongly about the matter will get their way for that particular instance.

9) Learn your spouses' love language and try to love them in the way that he or she feels love.  Does he feel most loved when you give him back massages or write him a love note?  Does she cry every time you get her flowers?  Or she the type of girl that swoons when you do the dishes and mop the floors?  Become an expert in your mate and keep your love renewed by serving your spouse.  If you are both working to serve each other, it will make for a much better connection on a day to day basis!

10) Carve out time to talk. It is too easy to turn on the TV or get distracted by your phones, kids, or crazy schedules.  Make time EVERY day to connect, and make time for date nights.

11) Hug and kiss when you leave each other and again when you return.  It's a simple gesture, but a way to stay connected.

12) When you have some time alone together, take some time to assess how your marriage is doing on the following levels: emotionally, socially, sexually, intellectually, and recreationally.  Emotionally: Do you feel that you are able to be open with each other?  Do you feel supported?  Understood?  Socially: Do you have friends in common?  Do you have the same social network?  Sexually: Do you feel physically close to your partner?  Are you on the same page with how frequently you are intimate?  Intellectually: How are your conversations?  Can you shoot the breeze about work, life, and current events?  Recreationally: What do you do for fun together?  How can you have more fun together?  Do you have similar sports, hobbies, or passions? 

Which of the above areas are you great at?  Which areas do you need help with?

If you have a blog, I would love to hear what your favorite marriage secrets are!  What do you guys do that helps you stay connected?  What works?  What doesn't?  Let's be intentional about loving our spouses and creating stronger marriages in our communities!

All Grown Up... 4 Months Old already?

Recent developments!

• Putting everything into her mouth and chewing and sucking on her hands and toys!

• Mastering the front to back rollover technique, even though sometimes it still scares her! :)  She just needs some positive encouragement and then she usually starts smiling afterwards. 

• She has grown the chubbiest, softest, most kissable cheeks EVER to be found on a baby!

• It appears that Miss K may be a little on the shy side... or maybe it's just a phase??  When other people talk to her, even Scott and myself sometimes, she will often give a shy smile and try to hide her face.  She is also slow to warm up to strangers, and will cry if I just hand her off to someone quickly without giving her a chance to "get to know them" from my arms first.

• She had her first belly laugh this month!  She almost always laughs when Scott buries his face into her belly and blows.

• She is starting to lose quite a bit of her newborn hair... we find it in little patches on her mattress. In its place, if you look in the light... there appears to be little blonde hairs coming in!

• Two words... drool... machine....

• She is an okay sleeper, sometimes sleeping 6-8 hours a few times a week.  On the other nights, she will sometimes wake once or twice to eat.  I'm keeping a very meticulous food/sleep journal to try and figure out the patterns that work best for her.  Other nights she will wake up every 3-5ish hours.  Not bad... but I wouldn't mind a little more consistency. :)

• I now finally understand what moms mean when they say, "Oh, I just want to eat you up!!" when talking to their babies.  A phrase that once sounded weird... finally makes sense!

So enjoying this little bundle of joy!

Dear First-Time Pregnant Self....

I just finished visiting a beautiful friend of mine in the hospital who just had a very handsome little boy!  In talking with her, it brought back sooooooo many memories of where I was just 4 short months ago!  It made me reflect and realize how much I have changed and grown since that wondrous day that my first-born graced us with her presence.  The following is a letter in wish I am talking to my pregnant self with the things I wish I could have told myself back then.

 Dear pregnant self,

You are about to enter a beautiful and glorious world called motherhood.  In the next few months, you are going to go on a tremendous emotional roller coaster.  You are about to feel the happiest you have ever felt in your life, and feel emotions you never dreamt possible.  It will not be a rare occurrence for you to cry out of happiness on a regular basis.  You are going to absolutely LOVE being a mom.  The joy you will get out of this experience is indescribable.  Get ready to love like you have never loved before in a whole new way.  You now have a new purpose in life!  This journey is going to be amazing.

 Self, everything that I said above is 100% true.  But you will also be going through a new time... one of transition.  It's not bad, it's just different.  For example, you will soon be learning what the word "patience," really means.  When you feel more tired than you have ever felt in your life and want nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep forever, your baby is going to want to eat.  She is going to be your alarm clock, and by the way, she gets to eat before you, no matter how hungry you are.

 Self, you used to operate on a different clock.  In motherhood, well... time is... time is....different.  I'm not sure how else to describe it.  The nights are longer... but the days are faster.  Morning is always too soon... yet the days have more meaning.  Regarding your schedule... get comfortable with being flexible, because that is your new middle name.

Oh, and get used to writing things down.  Your brain is about to change in strange ways!  If you lose your cell phone, try looking in the refrigerator.

Just so you know... postpartum hormones + sleep deprivation is no joke.  You are going to have times where you cry and you don't know why.  And in this new world where "up" means "down" and you don't know what comes next, it's okay.  Your world is just different now, and the more you open up about it and talk to other moms who have been there, the more you will know it is normal and okay.  While we're talking about opening up... trust your husband of yours.  He's a good listener, and loves you more than anything.  He wants nothing more than to help in any way he can.  Just let him know what to do.

Other things that are normal and okay...  trying on your pre-pregnancy clothes and shedding a tear or two, wondering how to take care of a baby by yourself when hubs goes back to work after having a week and a half off, not always thinking clearly, wondering if you will ever truly sleep again, and worrying a lot about if you are doing things "the right way."

Here's the thing, there is no "right way."  Your baby is her own beautiful, unique child of God, and there has NEVER been another baby exactly like her in this entire universe.  No matter how many books you read on babies and parenting, your daughter does not come with an instruction manual, no matter how badly you sometimes want someone to just tell you what the best thing to do is.

You are also a unique individual.  And what you need is going to be different than your other mom friends.  And that's okay too.

Speaking of mom friends... they are the best.  The sooner you open up and talk about what you are feeling and experiencing, the sooner you will know that others have been where you are, and you are not alone in this.  Join mom groups, have play dates, and go to women's bible studies.  It will completely change your world.

Sweet self, make sure to take care of YOU.  Take bubble baths, have a glass of wine, spend time in prayer and meditation.  While you're at it, don't skip that pedicure or nap, watch a chick-flick, and please don't even think twice about feeling guilty about it.  There is nothing better in those early months than taking care of yourself.  The laundry and cleaning can wait.  RE-freaking-LAX.  I know you are weird about cleaning your floors, but you are not going to get some kind of gold star for it.  You are working hard enough at sustaining a new little life for crying out loud.  CHILL.  Your body and your milk supply will thank you.

Speaking of milk supply, drink LOTS of water!!!  What do you think that magic liquid is made out of?

Your relationship with your husband is going to change.  You used to be able to hang out and talk with each other pretty much whenever you wanted.  Not the case anymore.  Schedule time to connect with each other both on social and intimate levels when she goes down for naps or to bed for the night.  Communication is SO important right now between the two of you.  Help each other.  You are a TEAM!

God has called you to be a new mommy, and that means self-sacrifice in a way you have never experienced before. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you will be able to enjoy your new life on a different level.

Dear, self... this is going to be the most amazing, exhausting, tremendously fulfilling time in your life!  Trust me... you will start to feel more like yourself again.  Remember to give yourself both time and GRACE.  ENJOY your new life.  You are going to LOVE this!!!!

Love,
Brianne

P.S. Thanks for reading, friends!  Tell me... what do YOU wish you could go back and tell yourself before you had your first child? :)