Love and Loss - Taking Life One Day at a Time

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Music is a huge part of my soul. It's what gets me going, keeps me moving, and is a huge part of what my heart needs to live life to the fullest.

Playing the piano reminds me of her. After she died, I didn't touch music for almost a year because it hurt so bad.  She inspired me to take lessons, drove me to my lessons, found my piano teacher, made me practice, and told my dad we needed a better piano (which is now sitting in my living room:)). She encouraged me, took me to my recitals, and planted the seed of music in my soul, growing me to my full potential.

I don't take lessons anymore, but when I play now, I feel her presence. I feel like she's just in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher in the next room telling me I have to practice for 30 more minutes.

Whenever we would have dinner guests, she would always ask me to play after dinner. As if I had a choice when she asked in front of everyone?

I really hated that, but I would give anything to hear her say it one more time.

Sometimes the other kids in my family would have to help with dinner or do chores and she would ask me to just play the piano for her as my chore.

That part wasn't so bad. :-)

I tried to quit a couple times because I didn't want to practice. I don't think I would have actually followed through because I really did love playing, but I knew she wouldn't have let me anyway, and I liked that.

Sometimes when I play now, I feel like I'm playing for her. It's as if her spirit is right there with me. Sometimes it's hard to play. Sometimes I try to not think about her so I don't have to feel the pain of missing her. But I know that's not right. I know I need to allow myself to process this grief and let myself truly miss and love her to heal.

Playing the piano just makes me feel like she's right there with me again, and I'm just not sure how to feel about that. Part of me wants to embrace her because I miss her, and then another part of me wants to move on and let her go.

Have you ever lost anyone close to you?  Do you go back and forth between heartache and feeling healed? Are there things that you do or see in your daily life that remind you of the person you lost?  How do you cope?