Sex #3 - Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!

Scott and I have about a million friends that got married in the past five years.  And throughout this time frame, I've had numerous conversations with newly married girlfriends about sex.  One thing I'm learning is that sex is an art form.  It's something that gets better and better the more it is talked about, and the more it is practiced.  Considering that sex is so vital to a healthy marriage, I am not understanding why it is not talked about more in church.  The rest of the world seems to have no problem talking about it!  It's something that many Christians get embarrassed to talk about, or feel private shame about, and I'm just not getting it.  God created sex between a married man and woman not just so we could produce offspring people...  he wants us to be divinely and intimately connected to our spouse!

The first post I wrote about sex had to do with changing the way we look at sex in the marriage relationship.

The second post was regarding God's purpose for sex in marriage.

This post is going to be about communicating with your spouse regarding your sexual relationship.

Even if you have a good sex life now, you can always improve, and one of the ways to do this, is to have regular conversations about how things can improve.  You may be shy to talk about sex with other people, but you at least need to feel comfortable talking to your spouse about everything.  We have numerous couples that come into our counseling office at work with sexual issues, and it made me realize that having good sex has nothing to do with how old a person is or how many years a person has been married, and everything to do with practice and communication.

So where do you start?  I think it helps to start by having regular conversations about sex where you sit down with your spouse and literally have no other item on the agenda but to talk about your sexual relationship.  Ask specific questions.  Let your partner know where you are at.  Talk with your spouse about what areas of your sexual relationship can be improved.  What are some new things you'd like to try?  Have you ever thought about ___________?  This type of conversation may sound weird to you, but sex is such an important aspect of a marriage that has huge potential for damage if left unfilled... why wouldn't you make a conscious effort to have better sex?  Regularly talking and being open is key.

Here are some practical examples of conversation starters:

"I'm happy with ________, but I'd really like it if we could do more of ___________ ."

"What do you need from me, and what would you like to try?"

"I am sensitive or insecure about __________."

"When you ___________, I'm insecure about ____________."

By being honest about what you would like more of or what you are insecure about, your partner can help you and your sexual relationship can move forward.  If you confess your insecurities, that leaves room for your partner to affirm and support you and maybe even say something like,

"I never knew you felt that way, and I'm so glad you told me that because I love that about you."

OR

"I'm so glad you told me that you're insecure about that because that doesn't bother me at all."

Simply asking these kinds of questions helps to open the door of communication.

As previously stated, no matter how good your sex life is now, it can probably still improve!  It's important to not let yourself get into the same patterns, and to not get complacent.  Make it a point to have regular conversations with your spouse about sex, and improve an aspect of your marriage that will greatly increase your intimacy and love for your spouse in a different dimension.