In case you haven't noticed from this, or this, or this, oh and this, Brianne is pregnant. I can't really get behind the phrase, "We're pregnant," because I'm not... but I had a part in it (giggity). This baby is a HUGE blessing for us and we're unbelievably excited to be parents. I think we're as ready as anyone can be, but I've come to accept that nobody is every 100% prepared for the first baby. I don't think it's possible to have everything that could possibly go into getting ready to raise a child all squared away on every level prior to having that child. And I don't think you need to.
Brianne has been wanting a baby for
But I was scared. I didn't know how to be a father, and I didn't know how I would be able to provide for my family with Brianne at home with the baby. At the time, I was working for a rather small company that wasn't really growing, and didn't really give me any sense of job security. The company almost got shut down entirely, but instead was sold and I was kept on as a contractor with no benefits. I was glad we weren't all just laid off, so I still had an income, but the situation was less than ideal. So I told Brianne that we could have a baby, BUT not until I found a new job. I called it being responsible...
Now I'd probably call it cowardice. I started looking for a job, and continued looking (unsuccessfully) for months. Meanwhile, Brianne would continue to ask me if we could have a baby yet and I would continue to say no. In a down economy, working as a contractor for a small company, what if I lost my job? How would we pay the bills with me unemployed and her a stay-at-home mom? Don't get me wrong, these are valid concerns, and I do feel like it is the responsible thing to do to consider them before making drastic life-altering decisions. But weeks of looking for a new job turned into months, and Brianne started to get impatient. And not just impatient, she was getting upset. Something I didn't quite get at the time is that my wife was built to be a mom, she has a calling on her life for it, and I was denying her that. I was hurting her because of my own selfish fears.
After nearly a year of job hunting, unsuccessful interviews, no call backs, and disappointment, I began to rethink things. And God tried to help me in all my density. Through various sermons, Scripture, books, and even my own blog, He helped me to figure this all out. Slowly but surely, God broke down my stubornness and brought me back to the core issue. Did I want a baby? Absolutely. Does my wife want a baby? Absolutely. Do I feel that God wants us to be parents? Absolutely. Well then, WHAT WAS I WAITING FOR?! God really convicted me then that I was relying on myself and not on Him. I even admitted that I felt it was God's plan for us to have a child, and yet I was continuing to rebel against His will. And why? Because I was scared of not being able to pay the bills, not having enough money, not being able to be the provider a husband/father is supposed to be? It was then that the divine 2x4 struck me right upside the head...
"I Am the Provider, not you."
God is the one who provides. God gave me the abilities I have. God gave me the job that I have. God gave me the money I have. Every good gift comes from God. And if we, even being evil sinners, know how to give good gifts, how much more will God give good gifts to His children? It's the concept of Jehovah-Jireh, "the Lord will Provide." And in the same way God provided for Abraham, God provides for me.
And God's question for me then was simple: "Do you believe it? Do you trust me?"
I finally got it. I told God, "Okay, I believe you. I trust you." It reminded me of the account in Joshua 3 of the Israelites crossing the Jordan river, finally ready to enter into the promised land. For decades, they had been on this journey in the wilderness, trying (and failing miserably) to be holy, to trust God, to be patient, to have faith, to be set apart, to be God's chosen nation... And all the while, God keeps showing them His faithfulness, His hesed, His lovingkindness. He gave them manna and quail to eat, water to drink, He dwelt among them at the tabernacle, and guided them by day and night... And yet they still didn't have faith. They still got scared, they still worried about where their next meal would come from, they still sought after other gods, and they still FAILED every which way. But where sin abounds, grace abounds even more, and God was going to be true to His promise to bring them into the land of Canaan, despite the iniquities of the nation of Israel.
So the Israelites find themselves camped aside the Jordan river, the promised land in sight. And God instructs the priests to carry the Ark of the Covenant, the symbol of God's covenant with His chosen nation, ahead of the people and lead them across the river. God promised to stop the waters so they could cross on dry land, much as He had done during their escape from Egypt. But the critical detail here is that He didn't stop the water until AFTER the priests feet were already in the water. The Jordan during the time of harvest was overflowing its banks with powerful rushing water, and God asked the priests to walk into the water first, and then He'd stop it from sweeping them away. Now God had proven Himself faithful countless times already, but they still had to show their trust in His promises and take those first steps faith and expect God to follow through... (And He did)
So shortly after my revelation, I told Brianne I was ready to start trying to have a baby. Even though I still had what I had deemed an unstable job, we went off birth control, and I gave it over to God. I told Him that if this was His plan, He would have to find a way to make it work. I stepped into the rushing waters of the Jordan with nothing to hang onto except my faith.
I half expected Brianne would just instantly get pregnant. Whether that was from me being macho about how fertile and manly I most-assuredly am or my ignorance of just how short the window of ovulation is in which a woman can get pregnant... either way, I was surprised when we didn't get pregnant right away. And then the next month... still no baby. But it was about that time that I finally got a new job! I was offered a position at a much larger company, for a much larger salary, and full benefits. This was on a Friday.
The following Monday, we found out Brianne was pregnant. God orchestrated the timing of these blessings in such a way that we would know it came from Him. This was His plan and He would be faithful to see us through it. Now I had finally stepped out in faith that He would provide, and God could have very well had us get pregnant that first month even with my old job. But I think out of His mercy, knowing I was weak and that I might doubt and fear, He waited to bless us with a child until after He blessed me with a new job. He probably knew that if we got pregnant before I had a new job, that it would test my faith... and that I would most likely fail. So God was patient with me and He kept His promises. But more than that, He knew I was weak, and honored my demonstration of faith in such a way that He could lavish His blessings upon us in a timing that wouldn't cause me to doubt. He didn't have to do that. But God is not only a provider, He is a loving God full of compassion and understanding. And I think He proved Himself to me this time, so that next time I feel the rushing waters of the Jordan rising around my ankles, I will believe and know that He will rescue me.
-Scott
