Babywise, Schedules, and Co-Sleeping!!

Babywise?  Schedules?  Co-sleeping?  How often should my baby eat?  How and where should my baby sleep?  Being a first time parent is filled with questions.  Navigating the waters of parenthood is strange enough, but add in parent's personalities, the baby's personality, the numerous parenting books available, our faithful friend Google, and well meaning friends and family with great advice, and you've got yourself a little recipe for confusion.

I've pondered how to write this post for some time now, mostly because as a great people-pleaser, I am afraid of judgment.  Like.... GASP... your baby sleeps in a crib??? Or... GASP... your baby sleeps in your bed?? Or... GASP you feed your baby at scheduled times?  Or... GASP you feed your baby on demand??.... Uh huh... you know the people... the ones that think you should do things a certain way and if you don't you're ruining your child forever??

I'm still new at this, being only 6 months into my parenting journey, but this post will attempt to sum up what I've learned so far in the areas of feeding, sleeping, and scheduling.

Here are some things that have been heard in our house:

"Should I feed her now?"
"When should we wake her?"
"Should I put her in her crib?"
"Should I bring her in bed with us?
"Do you think she's tired?"
"Why is she crying?"
"Do you think her gums are hurting?"
"Do you think she's constipated?"
"Do you think it's gas again, or does she have to burp?"
"Wow... that's a really long nap.... is that going to affect her night sleep?"
"She's so tired... why is she fighting it?"
"We're late!  But should we still change her?"
"Did you bring an extra diaper???"
"Did you put that extra outfit in the diaper bag?"

You get the idea..... a lot of it boils down to trying to figure out the best times to feed her or help her sleep better.  As a new mom, I was filled with a myriad of questions in trying to figure out this whole baby thing.  Being the good little perfectionist I am, I soaked up everything I could absorb on breastfeeding, baby sleep cycles, diapering, blah blah blah... you name it, I've thought about it.

One of the biggest questions I had was regarding if I should put Kaelyn on a schedule.  It seemed that some people agreed that the times I fed her or how she napped during the day would indicate how she slept at night.  So, I meticulously kept a feeding and sleeping journal to document every little thing praying and hoping I would notice a pattern.  I just knew that with enough scientific documentation, I would eventually figure out this little creature society calls a baby.

As you probably all know by now, sleep deprivation has been one of the hardest things for me to battle as a new mom.  Kaelyn had some good nights early on, but it seemed like the older she got, the more frequently she started waking.  After talking to everyone I knew, and reading every baby sleep book on the shelves, I started to think that my baby was possibly a little defective!  Like..... ooooops... God accidently gave me a bad one......

Isn't that the most horrible thing ever?  But seriously... a large majority of these books document these magic nighttime solutions that made me feel like I was doing something seriously wrong since Kaelyn wasn't sleeping.  Some people tried to warn me against them, while other people swore by them!!  I was so confused!!  Books like Babywise and The Baby Whisperer seemed to say,

"WE GUARANTEE THAT IF YOU ARE JUST CONSISTENT ENOUGH, AND DISCIPLINED ENOUGH AS A PARENT TO 100% FOLLOW WHAT THIS BOOK TELLS YOU, YOUR BABY WILL SLEEP, YOU WILL BE WELL RESTED, AND YOUR LIFE WILL DRASTICALLY IMPROVE."

Babywise even goes far enough as to document scientific studies that PROVE how effective their methods are.  Tracy Hoggs, the author of The Baby Whisperer talks about the 100's of babies that she has worked with, and how even though some babies are strong-willed, if you are consistent enough, her methods will eventually work in time.

So for months, I stressed about how to get Kaelyn to sleep through the night, and tried to do exactly what these books and friends said.  After all, it was guaranteed that she would eventually sleep if I just got my act together.  It didn't help that I know people that have used some of these methods, and their babies sleep better then mine, so that just proves that these methods eventually work, right??????

HA.  Funny jokes.

Guess my baby is just in that minute margin of babies that don't follow directions. ;-)  Both Babywise and The Baby Whisperer seemed to send the message that little babies don't know how to sleep on their own, so it's our job as parents to teach them.  These books seemed to say that as the parent, I teach my baby when and how to sleep.

HA.  Funny jokes.

If you have given me advice in the past, it's probably because I came to you sobbing on my hands and knees talking about how tired I was, and you told me what worked for you.  There's nothing wrong with this!  It's good to brainstorm and throw ideas out there because you never know what is going to work!  But my point in all of this, is that I obsessed over getting her to sleep through the night (whatever that means) way too much.  That being said, waking every hour is enough to drive anyone insane, and it was starting to affect every aspect of my life.  I didn't know what to do.

I recently spoke with a friend who has 4 children (currently preggo with her 5th child... love you, Kyndle!!) who told me that parents that tell you exactly what to do simply may just not have enough children yet! Loved that... and here is why.

I look at so and so's baby who is sleeping 12 hours a night, or so and so's baby who is sleeping 6 hours a night (still amazing to me), and think... "HUH, well... they use/used such and such method... so if I just do what they do....."

Lies.

My heart is saddened as I write all of this, because I realize how much time I wasted in those early months obsessing over things that don't matter.  Well intentioned people giving me sleep advice and well intentioned authors trying to help me to be a well rested mama ended up giving me heartache and headaches.

Through all of this, there was a voice inside of me that was trying to tell me something, but I didn't want to listen.  Somewhere inside of me, I knew that there was no magic solution... that I was trying too hard.  Being stubborn and persistent, I just thought, well, if I try a little bit harder... if I read a little bit more, if I am more consistent, if I pray a little more...

All the while, God just wanted me to surrender what I wanted.  I'll tell you what I wanted: my baby to sleep 12 hours every night in her crib, and to take 2-3 perfect 1.5-2 hour naps a day... or something of that sort.  Kind of funny now that I write it out.  Completely not realistic, right?  Guess that's what happens when you listen to what the world and Satan tells you instead of listening to your heart, intuition, and the Lord.  Yes, I did read and hear that I should lower my expectations and that babies often wake every couple of hours for the first year or two... but who wants that?  I tuned that stuff out because it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

Sooooooo here is what we have finally started doing.

Kaelyn now starts off the evening in her crib, and then comes and snuggles with us in the middle of the night--whenever it is she decides to join us.  This solution is one of the best things that has ever happened to me!  Our whole family gets SO much more sleep this way, and I never walk to the other room frustrated that she only slept for an hour before I had to go reassure her again.

SHE IS A BABY for crying out loud.  (HAHA get it.... yeah, I know, I'm funny).  Some babies sleep long stretches and are better sleepers then others, but the majority of babies don't!  Why do you think there are so many books out there on baby sleep?  Why do you think that there is so much on the internet about it?  Think about it.  The reason there is so much information out there, is because more often then not, babies don't sleep how and when we want them to in that first year of life.  Because they are babies.  And that's what they do.  If they sleep long stretches, GREAT.  If not, there is nothing wrong with them... it's NORMAL. :-)

The sooner I accepted that, the happier I became.  I don't think in terms of "that was a really bad night," or "that was a really good night," because every night is pretty much the same.  When she is cuddled up next to me, she sleeps better knowing I am right next to her.  And I like it that way.  I know she is 6 months old and probably doesn't need to eat all night, but I feed her when she wants, because who knows if she is going through a growth spurt?  Or needs comfort because she is in pain from teething?  I have learned to sleep while taking care of her at the same time.  Brilliant!

I look down at her sweet, angel face in the moonlight and thank God for giving me such a beautiful gift.  When she kicks me in the stomach or punches me in the face, I kiss her and go back to sleep, thankful that I don't have to sleepily drag myself to the next room waking myself up in the process, frustrated and wondering how many more times Scott or I am going to have to walk across the hall.

Some of you are thinking... yeah, duh... obviously... but I initially didn't do this because I was reading these books that promised me that she would sleep through the night in her crib at 2 months old... and because the title "the family bed" sounded kinda gross!  But this way, Scott and I get our alone time in the evening, and then she comes and joins us in the middle of the night for precious cuddle time.  It's the best of both worlds!  I love snuggling that sweet baby girl, and I feel great!

We were also worried that sleeping with us would be "starting a bad habit" as some of the authors said, and that if we let her sleep with us... she will be sleeping with us forrrrrreverrrrrrrrrr.... hahahahahaha jokes..  I mean.. we're only a few weeks into this sleeping arrangement, but we can make the choice to have her sleep the night in her crib all night whenever we want!!  It might mean a few rough nights, but we can make that choice whenever we want.  There are no rules in this people!!  The best part is that I feel that I am doing the best thing for her, and the best thing for me.  I just wish it hadn't taken me 6 months to figure this out, but it's all part of the learning process I guess!

So my new evolving thoughts about babies and sleep are simply this...

Babies are not science experiments!!  Nor will they do what you want them to do a large percentage of the time!  That sounds like a no-brainer, but Babywise and other schedule-type books will tell you otherwise!  I'm done stressing and trying to force my baby onto some schedule that her body obviously doesn't want.  Some of you have tried these methods and they worked great for you.  AWESOME.  I'm not trying to bash all these well intentioned authors, as there are gold nuggets in many of the books out there.  But they honestly don't work for everyone!!!  Maybe I'll have another child that will naturally fall into some sort of his or own schedule.  But that's not Kaelyn, and that's okay.  As my friend Briana says about these books, "take what you want, and leave the rest." 

And more than that, seek to follow Christ.  Pray about everything.  It's okay to listen to the advice of others, but more than anything else, listen to the holy spirit.  Parent with flexibility, love, and pray for a peace that passes understanding.  Let the baby sleep where he or she is most comfortable sleeping, and where the entire family gets the most sleep.  You may start out thinking things are going to go a certain way, but don't get upset if you end up doing something other then your initial plan.  There are no rules, and there are no magic sleep solutions.  Some babies don't take naps, some babies don't sleep well at night, and it's all normal.  Seek the Lord.  Snuggle, cuddle, and enjoy each and every moment of this blessed miracle that God has given you.  Do what works.  Now go take on your day!!