What it Means to be a Father Part 4: Lesson Learned

By now, we've looked at how being a husband prepares you for being a father (Part 2), and how being a father requires another level of selflessness to adequately care for your baby (Part 3).  But it's not enough just to be a good husband, and to spend a lot of time with your baby, as great as those things are.  There is actually a directive placed upon fathers to teach their children.  Ephesians 6:4 states:

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

This is specifically talking about moral, ethical, and spiritual training, and the responsibility is the father's.  Yet, what do we often see in society today?  Mothers are going to church and dropping their kids off at the youth group, and showing interest in their children's spiritual development. (God bless them for still going to church when the father is not interested)  Meanwhile, dad stays home and watches football.  Fathers are too often aloof and disconnected, leaving the responsibility of Biblical teaching to others.  Worse yet is when both parents merely expect the youth pastor to teach their children "morals and positive values" and don't make any effort at all to invest in their children's souls.

This parental responsibility to teach their own children wasn't a new concept that Paul came up with though.  In fact, he borrowed it from one of the most important passages of Scripture for ancient Jews, the Shema.

4 “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.  5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.  6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.  7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

I talked about this command, and the failure of Israel's fathers to follow it, in my Father's Day Challenge blog post last year...  If you didn't read it, I would encourage you to do so.  In it, I examined the nation of Israel at the beginning of the time of the Judges when in the course of just a single generation, the entire nation fell away from God.  And the heaviness of that failure falls squarely on the shoulders of the fathers of Israel.  This is not to be taken lightly.  This is not a responsibility that we fathers can just pawn off onto others.

By embracing our God-given responsibility, we will be honoring God.  Practically speaking, the lessons we teach our children will benefit them immeasurably.  If we as fathers take the time to be the primary faith trainers for our children, we will be making a huge investment in the next generation and avoid the failure of the Israelites in the time of the judges.  I know I don't want to repeat their mistakes, do you?


I know I had said this was the completion of my thoughts on fatherhood, but I couldn't help one last surprise coming up in Part 5...

What it Means to be a Father Part 3: Time Well Spent

Well, if you've made it this far, I'm assuming you've already read Part 1 and Part 2 of my "What it Means to be a Father" treatise.  If you haven't read them, go back and read them first.  Don't worry, I'll wait.

Now before I really get into it, let me quickly dispel a lie that some parents buy into...  Your child is not the most important relationship you have with another human being on this earth.  That title still belongs to your spouse.  When your baby becomes the center of your universe, you've made an egregious error in prioritizing your relationships.  I love my baby so much, but my wife still comes first.  Some day, after Kaelyn learns to drive (Lord help me) and goes out into the world on her own, she'll meet a boy (dear sweet Lord, help me!) that she'll fall in love with, and she will start her own family.  And when she doesn't need me anymore, my wife will still be there... and I intend that we should not be strangers on that day...

So in Part 2, I examined the core lesson I've learned from nearly 5 years of being a husband: the concept of two becoming one, and the deliberate, selfless act of giving yourself up for your wife.  The bonus to this is that if you do it right and take care of your wife, you empower her to be the best mom she can be too.  Win, win!  But the goal here is to talk about what it means to be a father, so what gives?  Let's be honest, you've probably already figured it out.

Being a father gives you another person to give yourself up for!  I could easily argue that my baby actually needs me even more than my wife does, so I'm required to be even more selfless for Kaelyn's sake.  My wife could do pretty well on her own if I was a bum husband, but if I neglect my duties as a father, my baby won't fare so well.  I've heard it said that compared to offspring in the animal kingdom, human babies are born far less capable of self care than almost any other species.  The truth is, they could use another 9 months in the womb!  (Imagine that ladies... YIKES!)

Babies have a ton of needs and lack the capacity to meet those needs on their own.  And as a father, her needs always come before mine.  If we're both hungry, guess who gets to eat first?  If we're both tired, guess who gets to rest first?  If we both have soiled diapers... wait... Scratch that one.  You get the idea!  And some of the primary needs of a baby are social interaction, attention, affection, and pretty much constant supervision.

As I'm sure you can guess, that kind of commitment takes up a lot of time!  But that's what you signed up for.  When you get home after a long day at work and want to relax, your job isn't over yet; you just clocked in to your real job as a father.  If your kids are still awake, they need you there.  Children need an actively engaged and present father.  Whether it's wrestling with the boys, having a tea party with the girls, or just affirming your kids of how loved they are by you and by God, they need this.

A father can't afford to check out once he gets home.  Will there be times after a particularly tough day at work that you just need to have some alone time to depressurize?  Sure!  When I get home from work, my wife knows that I at the very least like to be allowed the time to change out of my work clothes and get comfortable before diving in.  But it's a fatal line of thinking that when you get home, you've already done your work for the day.  This is even more devastating if your wife is a stay at home mom, because she's been at work all day too, and what makes you think you deserve to relax any more than she does?

Laying it all out like that seems like being a father is all work and no fun.  That's not what I'm saying.  I'm merely saying that a father's responsibilities don't stop at being a breadwinner.  I don't view this responsibility to invest time into my daughter's life as a burden.  Not hardly!  When I've been gone all day, I LOVE to get to spend time with her when I get home!  I love talking to her and kissing her and reading to her and playing with her and bathing her and soaking up those precious few hours I have after I get home before she goes to bed.  There are times when I'm tired when I get home, and every night by the time my head hits the pillow, I'm wiped out, but that fatigue comes with knowing that I'm doing all that I can to be a good father to my daughter...

I know that I'm investing in her and loving her how she needs.  Because when she grows up, she will gauge her view of other men through the lens of what I showed her a man is like... and her knowledge of God as her heavenly Father should not be hindered by her earthly father.  This is no small consequence.  Doing this right takes a lot of time.  But there is no doubt in my mind that it is time well spent.

Coming up in Part 4, I will complete my thoughts regarding a father's role in the family...

What it Means to be a Father Part 2: A Husband First

First comes love, then comes marriage...

If you haven't read Part One of this blog, then go back and do that first, for this is just part two of my attempt to summarize fatherhood thus far. A discussion on what it means to be a father would be incomplete without a prerequisite discussion on what it means to be a husband. That is obviously not to say that all fathers are husbands, although it would probably be better if it were so (children need stability)... but instead simply that what a man learns about life as a husband is directly applicable to fatherhood. A good husband will almost assuredly be a good father.

So what does it mean to be a good husband? What is a husband's "job" so to speak? Well that's a larger undertaking than I care to tackle, and something that would require much more than a four part blog. But how does a man excel or fail at this calling?

To even begin to answer that, we have to go back to the beginning... the very beginning. To the first husband and his story in Genesis 2:20-24...

²⁰ The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. ²¹ So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. ²² And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. ²³ Then the man said,

“This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.”

²⁴ Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

That last verse is the one I want to key in on, as I think this is where my core understanding of what it means to be a husband begins. What does it mean that the two of them shall become "one flesh?" Sometimes understanding what something means can best be ascertained by looking at what it does not mean... It does not mean that I cease being myself. I am still an individual, with individual likes, dislikes, desires, aspirations, and hobbies. I bet my wife could probably tell you that there are times she wishes I would cease being myself and being more like her. And I would just as readily admit that since marrying her, I have changed in certain areas because of her influence (and all for the positive). But for the most part, she's stuck with who I am.

Becoming one flesh with my wife does not mean I cease being myself, but it does mean I cease being MY OWN. Now another person shares my life with me. I'm not a bachelor anymore. What I do or don't do, say or don't say, and all those likes, dislikes, desires, aspirations, and hobbies that in part define who I am... those must now be viewed in light of another person. My life now is intertwined with another. The Hebrew word in Genesis actually depicts two things being glued together. A husband does not live his life in a vacuum. His actions have weight, impact, and meaning far beyond when he was single. Husband and wife are inextricably connected; they have become one.

But even though I don't automatically cease being myself, there is a clear call in the Bible to still voluntarily give myself up. This is found in the apostle Paul's epistle to the Ephesians, chapter 5, verse 25:

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

The model for husbands is Jesus Christ himself, with the Church as his bride. And as the Church's groom, Jesus came as a humble servant, dedicated to loving his bride at all costs, gently leading and teaching her, willing to pay any price for her well-being, and ultimately doing so by laying down his own life for her with his tragic death on the cross. That is our model. That is the mold that has been cast. Jesus set a high bar, and even though I will probably never be called to walk such a dramatic path of sacrifice for my wife, that is the level of love that I need to bestow upon her. This is the love of a husband. This is the act of giving oneself for another. This is what it means to be a husband.

But what does that have to do with being a father? Well, I'll tell you...

In Part 3.

What it Means to be a Father Part 1: Parenting Observations

Our sweet baby Kaelyn is now over 9 months old, and time is flying by! Parenthood is a pretty crazy experience and the learning curve is quite steep. See: "trial by fire."  But I'm learning a lot on what it means to be a father, and I wanted to write about it. However, I quickly found I had too much to say for just one blog post. I'll admit to being too verbose, but in my defense, this experience is not easily summarized! So I decided to break it into parts.  And to start, I wanted to share some of my observations so far...

For those that don't follow me on Twitter (@Scottpants), I have been tweeting my "Parenting Observations" and #DadLife reflections since Kaelyn was born. It's been a way for me to keep track of the little things I learn along the way, as often as I think of it. I thought the first 25 of these observations would be a fitting start, but be sure to stay tuned on Twitter to stay current as time goes on!

1. Since baby's birth, the use of Spray 'N Wash has increased approximately 314%.

2. Just because something worked once, doesn't mean it will work the next time. Soothing a crying baby is a crap shoot.

3. Eating with two hands available is a luxury that most people, myself included, take for granted.

4. We have clothes that my baby will wear once, if at all, before she outgrows them.

5. A baby is not concerned with your schedule, agenda, To Do list, or plans for the evening. They just need YOU.

6. Babies, or at least my baby, gets hiccups A LOT. If I got hiccups that often, I'd cry too!

7. A baby can go from content sleepy face to angry wakey face remarkably quickly and for no discernible reason.

8. Something about being sans diaper on the changing table triggers urination. I think she does it on purpose...

9. Hanging out with my daughter, giving her a bath, and then praying over her as I put her to bed is a great evening.

10. The humble coffee maker is actually one of the most important appliances for new parents. (and ours just broke)

11. Watching baby go from just awoken to fully awake is highly comical! She looks so CONFUSED as to what's going on!

12. I'm not sure I could handle a colicky baby... I can hardly stand it if Kaelyn cries for like 10mins and I can't "fix" it..

13. Hold your plans loosely and don't be surprised if/when baby necessitates a change.

14. The peace and calm immediately following when a baby stops crying has no comparison.

15. Holding a baby is like holding a little heater against your body... Seriously sweating just from holding her!

16. The women who volunteer in the nursery at our church are SAINTS! Not sure how they do what they do...

17. These new cool mist humidifiers may as well be evaporative coolers! They seriously bring a chill to the air!

18. Dream feeding is a pretty ingenious idea. (I wonder if it works on adults...)

19. At no time in life do you get more smiles from strangers in public than when you are carrying a little baby.

20. The first command I am teaching Kaelyn when she's old enough is, "Watch where you're going." Kids are oblivious!

21. Only in infancy is it acceptable for people to tell a girl she has chunky thighs and chubby cheeks.

22. My little girl has learned how to growl... I find this hilarious.

23. Watching Kaelyn gradually learn that her hands are attached and that she can control them to manipulate things is fascinating.

24. Parenthood is a series of learning opportunities that begin with "I don't know," and generally end with uncertain action. It's a wonder any firstborn survives...

25. Seeing how intently Kaelyn watches even mundane things like wind in the trees reminds me it is all new for her.

I'll share the rest in future blog posts also, but for now, stay tuned for a look at what it means to be a father in Part 2...

New Beginnings... NEW Blog Title!

Scott and I have been thinking about changing our blog title for awhile now, but could not agree on one we both liked.  I think we have finally come to an agreement!  Obviously this blog has turned into an outlet to document pictures and things that we want to remember and look back on about Kaelyn as she grows.  The title "baby steps" seemed appropriate in that regard.

In addition, God has recently been teaching me about the importance of moving forward, one small step at a time.  Becoming a professional therapist has always been a dream of mine.  But looking into how to get there seemed overwhelming.  A few years of classes, a year and a half long internship, numerous professional growth seminar credits, the comprehensive exam to graduate, the national counselor's exam to become licensed, the licensure paperwork... AH!  That's enough to scare anyone off!  And when to find the time to do all of that?  Especially in the process of wanting to start a family?  However, I had this small tug on my heart.  God was telling me not to worry about all of that, and just to focus on that first small step of applying.  Then, I took the next step to just start a class.  And another.  And another.  And now I only have 2 classes left out of the 60 some credits I had at the start!  I still have internship and all the exams ahead of me, but I can't believe how far I have come!

Anyway, the bottom line is that God has been constantly reminding me about just taking that next little baby step in every area of my life.

Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."

No matter what lies ahead, I always want to be just focusing on what my next small steps are.  It's easy to get overwhelmed when you have big goals and are a big dreamer like myself.  But not if you just focus on that little baby step in front of you.

Here are some quotes that have inspired me:

The grace to be a beginner is always the best prayer for an artist. The beginner's humility and openness lead to exploration. Exploration leads to accomplishment. All of it begins at the beginning, with the first small and scary step.
Julia Cameron

Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.
Henry Ford  

Have a bias toward action – let’s see something happen now. You can break that big plan into small steps and take the first step right away.
Indira Gandhi 

Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
Martin Luther King, Jr. 

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
Lao Tzu 

He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
Friedrich Nietzsche 

If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place.
Nora Roberts 

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret to getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks and then starting on the first one.
Mark Twain          
   
Anything can be accomplished with the grace of God and taking small steps to reach the goal!

8 Months? No Wait, 9!

Someone asked me the other day if I still blog.  Ha.  YES!  I mean... I intend to! I had a ridiculously hard semester of school last term, but am now off until August so hopefully I will be able to find some time to blog more. :-)  With a combination of preparing for vacation and typing out a crazy long research proposal for school, Kaelyn's 8 month post got lost in the shuffle.  So... this is going to be a celebratory 8 and 9 month post!  Here are some of my favorite pictures of her from the past 2 months along with some of her milestones!

Getting ready routine... well... me getting ready... Kaelyn playing on the floor with my hairbrush. :-)

Hey, mom!  Aren't I the cutest!

I love the beach!!

This toy is the coolest!  Kaelyn playing in the "Under 2 Zoo" on our cruise ship.

Lovin' the ocean!!  Gotta capture those beautiful little moments.  I can't get enough of those piggies.

A little skeptical at first.... but she really did love it!

Hanging out in our room on vacation having a little snuggle time with Daddy

I love me some watermelon!!

Playing in the sand and watching the waves...

Or rather... eating the sand!

Our good friend Courtney over at www.inlovenessphotography.com took some family photos of us to help us capture this beautiful time in our lives!

I got Scott a picture frame for Father's Day that said "Daddy's Girl" on it... so I did a little photo shoot with Kaelyn one morning to try and take a picture that would fit well with the frame.  What little girl doesn't want to play dress up with pearls, ballet shoes, and a tu-tu!?

That bottom one was the winning photo for the frame in case you were wondering. :-)

Miss K is a joy to be around, and has an incredibly sunny personality.  She is skeptical of strangers but it does not take long to become her friend.  She is very social and prefers to be held almost all the time.  She LOVES to be talked or sung to, and would much prefer to be interacting with others than doing anything else.

She is also quite stubborn and persistent wanting what she wants when she wants it.  She is going to make an interesting toddler I am sure!  She is quite insistent and vocal!

Speaking of vocal... Kaelyn is CONSTANTLY babbling and talking to herself, or to anyone that will listen, and loves to sing whenever there is music playing.  She often extracts giggles from strangers as she is often babbling on rather loudly when out in public.  She now says, "mama," "dada," "NOM NOM," and it sometimes sounds like she says, "HI!"  She also likes to growl... often... and loudly.  Sometimes she growls while babbling.  It is quite odd, but also pretty hilarious!  She is also experimenting with her girly screams.  These are not as entertaining... but she truly enjoys the sound of her voice... who am I to tell her that it hurts my ears?

We are working on crawling, but she does not appear to be interested!  She is content to just sit, and does not last long on her tummy.  She can be quite the wiggle worm on my lap or in bed, getting around in her own little way... but it's not exactly what one would call crawling!  She is getting better about kicking her feet and scooting though, so I'm sure she will be mobile in her own time!

She is still primarily breastfed, but I do offer her 1-3 meals of solid foods/snacks a day in addition to water in her sippy cup or diluted low sugar juice.  She now has her two bottom front teeth all the way in which makes for some adorable little grins!  She is a great eater and eats pretty much anything and everything I give her!  Someone once told me that most babies are either good eaters or good sleepers but typically not both.  Well, she excels in the eating department!!  She is not working on mastering the "pincher" grasp and is doing pretty well with self feeding.

She sleeps roughly from 6 pm - 6 am on average but usually wakes 3-4 times in between.  We still typically put her down in her crib to go to sleep, and she usually ends up in bed with us somewhere in the middle of the night when I get lazy and don't want to keep walking back and forth. :-)  She goes right back to sleep after waking and goes down pretty easily on most nights.  She is not much of a snuggler during the day, so I embrace the snuggles at night!

We are SO loving this time.  I am trying to take as many pictures as I can and just live in each and every moment.  This is the most amazing time of my entire life and I could not be more fulfilled or blessed!!  We are so thankful for our sweet girl.  Happy 9 months, little K!!